Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 17: Oh The Memories

I used some hair product today on Ryan's cut, annnnd it wasnt until I opened it that I realized it was John's favorite. So as I'm styling his hair... All I'm thinking is about John. The smell is amazing, and I just remember being close to John and smelling his hair paste. Mmmmmm. Creepy, yes. Oh well.

I want letter #2 please. Please? Mr. Postman hates me. He mocks me with his Smart and Final ads and auto insurance bills. Is there no peace??? LOL.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day 15: Wowee, the boredom is unreal.

So I decided....

That this is killing me. K-I-L-L-I-N-G me. LOL. But not for the reason you may first suspect. No, it's because I'm bored! Today, I think I counted the days I've been at home with nothing to do about 52 times, did some major contemplating, wrote a very long letter, sent a talk with LOTS of notes attatched, glanced at the mailbox about 34 times, worked out for a while, plucked every unwanted hair from my brows (I mean EVERY unwanted hair), colored my brows, trimed my bangs and length, and curled my hair... the LONG way. WOW. OH! But I did weed a ton today! Successful day?? UM I think so! Yeeeeaaaa right.

Still have not heard from a single company about possibly wanting to interview me. Can someone please tell me when the blessings start coming? I'm doing EVERYTHING I possibly can. I have faith that they WILL come eventually, butttttttt now would be nice.

I did wedding hair today. I looked lovely. :)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 13: I. Want. A. Job.


I wish just for once something would actually work out for me, you know? LOL. Theme of my life...

So I applied for a real person job. Yay. I'm praying it all works out... I really need this. Like really bad.

I want another letter. I miss him... wah. LOL.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day 11: No Title Needed

725 days/103 weeks/24 Fast Sundays left to go!

I like the weeks one... Makes it seem a little easier.

I thought after a letter like the last one I would be okay for a while; you know, no doubts of how he feels and such. Eh. Not so much. I'm already worried again. And, he hasn't contacted his family yet... Michael is upset. Lol.

Yesterday, Becca told me something I thought was sweet. :) "Jessica, I swear if you turn out like *Susan* I'm going to slit your throat. You better wait for him. Don't go dating someone else 6 months before he comes home because you're lonely. He's a catch." (*name changed for privacy*) I loved that. It made me smile. I like that my family loves him too. :)

I can't wait until he's home and I can say "Don't leave me" and this time have it be true. :)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Day 10: Vicious Cycle

Really. I was okay yesterday. Was okay this morning. Now it hits all of a sudden. I don't like this. Not one bit. Does he know what this is doing to me?? I'm becoming a madwoman! And on top of that, I have a dentist appointment today. ROCK ON, FRIDAY!! Man. Life is soo good. Ugh. Screw this.
I secretly wish he comes home early. I'm evil. I KNOW.

I hate this.

New addition. I just remembered that one of my friends is getting married tomorrow. Yay for her! But I'm still jealous. I want my wedding. I want John home. :( Selfish moment over.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010



He. Is. So. Amazing.


He asked me to wait! Said he misses me terribly... awww.

Day Eight: A Moment Of Relapse.

Dear John,

I know you aren't here... and I know you won't get this until 728 days from today :( but I just wanted to say that you are the cutest missionary I have ever seen :) It makes me so proud to see you in your tag and know that you carry the name of the Lord over your heart every day.

Gosh I wish I could just tell you all of this. John I love you so much and you have blessed my life immensly. Without you I would be making the biggest mistake of my life right now, and I am so grateful to you for that. Thank you for loving me, even when I was a jerk and confusing. :) Thank you for being there for me to help me get over it, even when it was uncomfortable for you. That's what a true friend does for someone, regardless of how it makes them feel. Thank you for loving me enough to stick around so long.
I love you so much, and I know that this will only strengthen our relationship if we play it right. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make us work. You're amazing and you deserve nothing less than my very best. It's the least I can
do for all you have ever done for me. I know you will be home fairly quickly, and then we can start again.
I love you, Min Joon Lee. More than I love air. ;)
Love Always, Jess

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day Seven: Oh the places I'll go...

My head hurts. WHY??


I'm learning to read and write Korean. A BIG goal I set for myself since John left. I want to be better than HIM, which I am told won't be too hard. LOL. YAY FOR OTHER LANGUAGES!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day Three: I Woke Up... Happy??

Today was actually okay!! I just did my best to ignore all negative thoughts of Maybe, he doesn't care all that much.. Was he faking?? and I DID IT! Lol. Thanks to the help of some girls who I'm so glad are here for me.... :)

Just TRY and tell me he isnt adorable. And a huge stud.... LOL. That is all for now. :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day Two: Wow...


Probably the most boring day I have ever had. Seriously. I really need a life otherwise I could go clinically insane.
I had the weirdest dream last night. In my dream, there was some dessert party at the institute (yay! right??), and everyone was there, except John because he was OBVIOUSLY on his mission. And we were having a great time. It was kinda numbing for everything else so it was nice. So then it's like 9:30 and I'm tired and I figure it's time to go. So I drive home and when I get there, I realize I totally left my purse and keys at the institute. Lol. How I DID that, I have no idea. So then I was like, crap I have to go back. But I got to pee first, so I'll take care of that. So I go inside, take care of bid'ness, and I ask Becca to come with me. But! I then realized that John and his companion were staying at my house. They LIVED with me. And I had heard them come in while I was doing my... thing. LOL. My dad is roaming the hall and I ask, "Oh is Elder Lee home?" and he answers that he just walked in. My dad leaves and evidently the missionarios were staying in my brothers room. So I walk in and its dark and they are in bed. So I ask "Elder Lee? Are you home?" and on the top bunk there is movement and I see a shadow sit up. He then says "Yea... Leave me alone, okay?" WOW. So I leave. Really upset. I mean, not only can I not BE with him for 2 years, but he is LIVING IN MY HOUSE and I can't even see him... WOW. Then something else happened, but for the life of me I can't remember.

I always have dreams like that. And they suck. Even when he was here, it was either he died, or was a total jerk and dumped me as he left/before he left/after he got home. Yea... my brain hates me.

So why am I so sad? Why do I randomly expect my phone to blast his ringtone? Why does it bother me to drive past his house? WHYYYY. I just want it to be normal. I want to be able to sit on MY COUCH and not think about the last time he was there. I want to be able to listen to John Mayer and not think about how much John loved to play that song, or how he looked playing that song, or how his jaw would always involuntarily open during a certain chord while PLAYING that song. I almost half expect him to come home in like a week. Is it bad I secretly have this evil desire for him to COME home? I told him that if he came home early I would NOT be available to him. I kinda want to take that back. If he came home I would GLADLY be available to him. I would repsect him for it. But how selfish am I. I don't know if I can go through 2 years of this... I've already done this once before! NO girl should ever have to do this, even ONCE!! Let alone twice! What the heck was I thinking...

Gosh its not even like he DUMPED me or anything. He loves me. SO WHY IS THIS SO HARD. I miss him... crap I need to get out. No really... I took a nap today, and before I fell asleep, I was going through my camera and looking at all my pictures and videos of him and me. Man I love him. I kid you not, I dreampt (sp?) of his smile. It was the clearest thing in my head when I woke up. And I was happy for a second. Then I thought of how long I'd have to go before I could see that smile forming... Sorry I'm super depressing. LOL.

It shouldn't be like this!! There has got to be some better way!!!

This made me feel better yesterday.. Why not today?

Again, I am terribly sorry for how massively depressing this is... I need someway to say it. But I know that if I actually verbalize all this, I'll pretty much cry for 4 hours. Give or take. And I'm doing so good with my crying! No crying! Literally a tear here and there. But that's it.

Wow I need to stop... LOL. On a happy note, tomorrow is a new day?? Can't wait to go to sleep..... :/

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day One: Sucks So Far...

So really, I've done this before. I really have; I swear.

So why the heck am I dying with boredom?!?

Good question, I dare say. I had no idea I had become this boring. Since when am I boring?? Since when?? I think it's a sign, yes a sign that I really gave him everything.

Why did I do that? Oh yea. I love him.

Hm. That's a pretty dang good reason. I'm a pretty smart person. I can handle it. Because I've done this before. Really, I swear.

So my next move? I'm making a list. Yea, that's right, a freaking list. What? I can do whatever I want to. I'm a girl who's in a tad more pain than you are. I'm allowed. Now what should I list...? I could list the reasons I'm waiting... nah maybe on a day i'm kinda doubting it. I could list all the things I want to do with my time... I don't even know if I'll have time to spend on such things. I could list the best scriptures that could help me deal with this... nope. Not feeling it. Okay. Be prepared because this could get ugly. The kind of ugly that makes you want to watch Hugh Grant films and consume massive amounts of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. But don't say that I didn't warn you.

Things I Love About Him

-He always makes me laugh
-He has the sweetest heart
-He makes everything feel better
-He has the best smile ever
-If I cry in front of him, I don't feel retarded.
-I can talk to him about ANYTHING
-I trust him more than anyone
-He has the best taste in music
-He's a charmer ;)
-He takes care of me when I'm sick
-He loves me even though I'm a tad controlling.. lol
-He still gives me goosebumps
-He treats me better than I've ever been treated
-He respects me and my space
-He talks openly about my period lol
-He is actually CURIOUS about my period :)
-He's temple worthy
-He's honest
-He keeps ME honest
-I constantly want to do anything I can for him
-He would do anything for me
-He isnt pushy
-He's on a mission. Even though it hurts a bit.
-His hugs make me feel like nothing can touch us.
-His kisses... period. Lol.
-The way he laughs. When he laughs, it's real
-The way he says my name.
-His Korean name.
-His family is AMAZING.
-He has a genuine heart.
-He has such a concern for my well-being.

and lastly...

I love that I can't go one day without him crossing my mind. Not just crossing, trapsing through, around and all over it. I just... love him.

He'll be back. And I can do it. :) I have to.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

wow really?

So today is the day... It's the last day I'll get to see John. Can I do this for the next two years? I mean, sure we'll have letters and such. But man, I was lonely the first time around. It was hard. I'm not even kidding. Always wondering if they're okay, if there is anything I can do to make it easier. On me AND him. I wish there was some way that I could just make time go a LITTLE BIT faster. Make it a goal more in sight than just two birthdays and two Christmas' away. MAN. here we go again....

Can I do it? Even if I can't... I will.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

First Blog EVER!

weird.... but um yea i'm tired sooo goodnight. lol