And The Days Roll On

Day 715: End of the Road!!

2011-12-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

This blog has been so neglected as of late, and for that I apologize! Also, I need to apologize for the ridiculously depressing nature of all my updates! I started this blog as a way to vent, and boy did I vent.... LOL. I only wrote here when I was upset, and that is unfair to the blogging world. LOL.

So yea, um hi... I have 20 days left. Not 20 months, not 20 weeks... 20 days. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? Where did the time go?? When on Earth did it become December? And yea, my last post was in what, April or something?? Talk about a mind blowing jump of months. I am so happy and so excited that this seemingly never ending period in my life is almost over. But most importantly, I am so overjoyed that my best friend is coming home. The person I want to call first when something big happens in my life is going to be back. The person I want to make happy for the rest of my life is coming home. I am so thankful to the Lord for allowing me to have made such a connection with another person, and for watching out for me for the past 2 years.

This blog is going to take a big spin, and is no longer going to be about the Waiting Girl. I'm going to use this PROPERLY and update whoever still reads this (even if it's just me lol) on the goings-on in my life. So!!! I am going to finish this post, then I will allow myself one last Waiting Girl post before John comes home (probably like the day before or of...).

My life has been so full lately! I got promoted a few months ago, from Teacher's Assistant to Lead Infant/Toddler Teacher at work, and man has that kept me busy! My duties changed drastically; I now supervise 6 teachers and 28 enrolled children ages 3 months-18months, plan and organize curriculum, put together developmental reports for each of my children alerting parents of their child's standing in developmental stages, perform teacher evaluations, yada yada... It's so weird being the boss. I feel too young to be doing this, but also feel very honored to be given this position at such a young age! The youngest person to have this job at my school was 30... I'm 23. Normally, a teacher's assistant is not promoted to lead teacher unless they have ALL of their units and have been working there for about 2 years. I was promoted with NO units and after working there for 10 months. My bosses are amazing... They are working with me on my schooling and are paying for me to take the classes necessary, all while being flexible to my schedule and giving me a raise! I have been so very blessed with this job, it's unreal. The school's owner has complimented me time and time again on my abilities to lead the classroom, and has even gone as far to say that I am the best Lead Teacher they have had in the classroom in years!! I'm not trying to be boastful here, but MAN that made me feel so good! To top it all off, I am so in love with my job and my children. I can't believe I get paid to do this, sometimes. You know how in elementary school your teachers make you write little paragraphs on what you want to be when you grow up? All I ever wanted to write down was "I want to be a mom". But that wasn't the cool thing to do... So what did I write down? I wrote "I want to be a ballerina" or "I want to be a vet". I have a job that is pretty dang close to what I wanted to be when I grew up. I. Love. It.

ALSO. I have reached such an amazing goal I have had for YEARS.... I have lost 45 pounds!! Being a girl, I have grown up "on a diet". So I was always trying to lose weight just because it was the thing you do. This past year has been so inspiring and motivational, and I was finally able to accomplish something I have been trying to do for ages. I am capable of losing weight. I am capable of getting healthy. Most importantly, I am capable of achieving my goals. This is not the end of that goal though as I still want to lose my last 15 pounds. But that is so attainable!!

I never know how to end these... LOL.

Day 474: Surges

2011-04-10T01:57:00.000-07:00

I can't decide if this is a song or a poem... Either way, it's my newest "surge of word".

Parts

Beneath the blinking sunlight,

our patterns twist and fray.

We have too much curiosity,

fit for just one day.

It started as a lost feeling,

a glitter splashed night.

But somewhere along our tour,

the mark fell out of sight.

So if you wanna really know,

I lost myself in you.

You took my only parts,

and I took yours, too.

Our game is fun in theory,

and I'm standing in your door.

I thought we said goodbye once,

now our cards are telling more.

This isn't for forever,

or even for a year.

So open up your darkest corners,

and I'll open up my fears.

So if you wanna really know,

I lost myself in you.

You took my only parts,

and I took yours, too.

Written word cannot heal,

the pathway burned in stone.

Our broken pieces stole,

a bit of our lost souls.

So don't be scared,

by the fragile nature of me.

We'll mend our parts soon,

but for now we'll see.

So if you wanna really know,

I was almost lost and learned:

You play with fire,

and you will get burned.

So if you wanna really know,

I lost myself in you.

You took my only parts,

and I took yours, too.

Day 460: Someone Remind Me...

2011-03-28T01:45:00.000-07:00

Why the heck am I doing this again? I'm so sick and tired of being lonely and ache-y. I feel myself becoming "dark and twisty" when I wanna be "bright and shiny". I can't be bright OR shiny when every single morning, I wake up feeling like I could vomit because my whole existence misses him so badly. When does this get easier? When does this get better? When can I have my life back?

Why can't I ever fall for the guy who is HERE to stay and won't make me wait for him in some way or another? All I want is to have my lesson of "Patience Is A Virtue" to be over. My life seems to have this ongoing theme of "wait for it, it will come." Screw that. I've been forced to wait for things my whole life. LITERALLY.

Why am I left defenseless against the pangs of my heart? NOTHING makes it better. And when I try something new, thinking it will help murmur my shrill screams of missing John, it only makes it worse.

No happy posts here, folks. Just the cold and harsh words my heart would scream if it had a voice. You're LUCKY it doesn't and I'm left to translate the incessant complaints. I can't use such colorful language....

9 months couldn't end soon enough.

Day 433: Slacker

2011-02-28T22:10:00.001-08:00

I MISSED DAY 400 BY 33 DAYS!! Holy crap. I need to be more on top of this!!

So it has now been more days than John has left in the mission field... That is such a weird thought to me... He has 10 months left TODAY. After 10 comes 9, then 8, then 7, and yada yada. I love that tomorrow is March, and that starting tomorrow I can say that John has 9 months left. LOL ;)

He is the cutest boyfriend ever. I love him. Emails were so great today.... And that is as far as I will go. LOL.

I promise I'll try and be better about writing in here. Since this is my journal-ish-thing, I really should write more...

Day 347: Christmas Means To Me, My Love

2010-12-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas has now arrived, and on the verge of leaving until next year. This Christmas has definitely made it to the top of my list. No, I didn't get some epic gift this year. In fact, I got next to none. It wasn't the gifts of the food this year. It was the family and company that made this holiday season extra special.
I was surrounded by friends and loved ones, and the space was filled with laughter and love. I spent the weekend with my family, and shared many fun and special times with them.
I also got to share some laughter and stories with the man who has my heart. John called me this morning and we were able to spend a few special moments that have happened to us since we've been apart. We talked about how we feel ourselves growing ironically closer together, and stronger as a couple, and how special this time is for the both of us. During that hour of hearing his voice, over and over again it was confirmed that HE is who I was meant to share my life with and HE is the reason I have gone through every experience I've ever had. And I thank God for the circumstances that brought us together. If we hadn't both endured our heartache and hardships, we might not have ever found such a strong connection or would have been ready for such a strong connection.
John is doing wonderfully and has really taken to the people and the lifestyle. He has grown SO much spiritually and I am grateful for that. He was already a spiritual powerhouse prior to the mission, but he gave me some amazing words of enlightenment that I know would not have been possible but for his mission. His unwavering faith, no, knowledge of the mercifulness of our Father is astounding. He knows with a surety of future blessings and is such an example to me of that. I love this man with all of my heart, and can't wait til NEXT Christmas when he will be returning home 2 days after the holiday.
Merry Christmas to all of you, and I wish you all the happiest of times. Cherish your loved ones, no matter how far they are.

Day 340: Cheese and Crackers

2010-12-17T23:42:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a week away... 7 days. That's it. And surprisingly, I haven't wanted to murder my heart yet. I'm fine. I'm pretty happy. I'm not depressed. It's a Christmas miracle. I think it's because the year mark is descending on me very very quickly here. HOORAY!!! One more year until he is back home and this blog can become more fun! LOL.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to cut my Grammie'

s hair. In the middle of her haircut, she kept asking me all about John. So I told her the whole story of how we met and how we came to be. She was thrilled, and so was I (seeing as I got to talk about John). :) She loved our story (so do I), thought it was romantic (so do I), and couldn't wait to ask a billion more questions about him. What's his plan for himself? What does he like most about his mission? What are your plans with him in the future? Yada, yada, yada. But then she asked me one question that I was kinda stumped at. "What do you love MOST about him?" Annnnnnnd there I stood, not knowing how to answer exactly. And that got me thinking about writing yet another list. So as I sat in my living room listening to the rain and a 90's film, I started thinking. What DO I love most about him? CAN I name just one thing? The answer is of course no, and I ended up with a rather long list. Annnd this is where I post said list. Bring out the crackers, 'cause here comes the cheese.

What Do I Love Most About John?

-The sound of his laugh

-His crinkle smile

-The way he opens his eyes REALLY big when emphasizing something

-His selflessness

-He loves LOVES kids

-He shows everyone around him so much respect

-The way he moved his CTR ring to his other hand because it hurt me when he held my hand

-How he started calling me "Jesse" and I didn't mind

-The way he ALWAYS wanted to rub my feet

-How he would always pick up the towel and help with the

dishes without being asked

-He's not ashamed of his crazy girlfriend

-He tells me constantly how much he cares for me

-How he didn't mind when I would fall asleep on the phone every night

-He's motivated

-He's hardworking

-He loves me for ME, and not just what I could become

-He makes me want to be better

-His dream of a perfect Saturday (even the realistic one)

-His dedication

-How he stuck around for so long

-His musical talent

-He fits every point on the list of what I want in a husband

-He loves God first

He's charming

He knows how to cheer me up

-He wants to take care of me

-He'll sit and listen to a crying girl, and love her all the more for it

-He is so willing to help me

-He's always on my mind

So I can't choose only one, but if I had to say only ONE item I loved more than the rest, I would have to say that I love his dedication to God. He is so dedicated to Him and His cause, that he gave up 2 years of his life at home with me. And THAT is what draws me to him continuously.

Day 327: Sharing Creativity

2010-12-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

Fun story. John loves bubbles. Especially on his mission. So I sent him some, and he says he comes home after a hard day and just blows bubbles to relieve stress. So one day, he comes home, throws his stuff on his bed, and grabs the bubbles. His companion steals his camera and captures it. And here is the edited version of one of the pictures. LOL.

Also, I began recording and posting my songs to YouTube, so I thought I would post on here as well.. If I can get it to work...

Day 327: I Choose Excitement

2010-12-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

ALRIGHT FOLKS!! We are nearing that coveted year mark! I received some EXCITING/disheartening news last week!! John's release date is in the middle of transfers. And since he can't leave mid transfer, he has two options!!! He can either come home 3 WEEKS EARLY, putting him home in my arms on Dec 27 2011 (TWENTY-ELEVEN!!), orrrr.... 3 weeks later on Feb 8 2012. Ultimately, I think it's up to the mission President, but from talking to a few RM friends, they said that most time the President leaves it up to the missionary. So, I have yet to find out what John would choose to do, but I'll update once I hear what is gonna happen. When I have told some people the happy news, mostly their response is "Why are you so excited? He could be coming home later..." and MY reply is "I choose excitement." :) Because even if he were to choose to stay later, though I'd be a little bummed, I'd be happy because he loved his mission that much. And because really, whats 3 weeks more? But obviously, 3 weeks LESS is much easier to swallow. ;)

Picture time!!!

Just look at this cutie-pie. :) Who wouldn't want him home 3 weeks earlier?

19 days til the Christmas phone call!!! AND! If he comes home December next year, I'll get to talk to him 2 DAYS before he comes back!!!! Awesome!

Day 319: Holiday Happiness

2010-11-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

The holidays are gonna be amazing. Seriously.

I am so in love with the holiday season, and it all starts with Halloween. Halloween is a fun holiday, and one that I spend getting a little dressed up, watching the kiddies gather candy, and going to parties and the like. I always like to look at the little families who dress in costume themes. This year, I saw a Star Wars family. It was adorable. Complete with an R2D2 baby, Luke and Leah brother and sister, and a Hans Solo mom and Chewie dad. SUPER CUTE. And while I try not to make everything about a family, I just loved to watch them and imagine what costume themes I would come up with in my future family. It makes me smile and I enjoy the happy thoughts, so I let it happen. LOL.

Thanksgiving is a day typically filled with mountains of food and dessert, and is looked forward to by brothers of mine for the reason of being able to go back for 5ths and 6ths. Of course, who doesn't enjoy eating lots and lots of amazing food! I certainly do lol. But this year, I was more excited about being with my family. This is my first holiday season being out on my own. And I love my family and have found a new friendship that I get to enjoy with them. :) So this year, as I was sitting in our family car driving over the river and through the woods to my aunt's house, I was filled with so much love and peace and thankfulness. I had a great day enjoying all my family's company, and to be honest, I wasn't even sad that day! Sure, I kept thinking about how much fun it will be when John is able to join us on these big family gatherings, but I was happy and content being WHEN I was instead of 2 years in the future. So that was a big thing for me :)

CHRISTMAS is 27 days away.... Can you believe it?!!? AND last night after play practice (blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... ) Roomie and I went to Jo-Ann's to buy some Christmasy things for a little home, and I bought a big girl Christmas decoration!!!! A TREE!! :-O!! It's only 4 feet tall, but perfect size for our humble apartment. And that little 4 foot contraption of lights and fake pine unleashed the Christmas monster for the season. The rest of the night was full of squeals and giggleing and "fa-la-la-la"ing, much to the EXCITMENT of my friends. ;)

All in all... I'm in the mood for some holidays. :) YAY!!!!

Day 306: Warning ... This Is Pathetic.

2010-11-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

So I felt like blogging when I woke up, I felt like blogging during sacrament, I felt like blogging when I came home, I felt like blogging 10 minutes ago, but I do NOT feel like blogging now that I am actually sitting here TO blog. Wah. Oh well. I will say what I wanted to say all day.

For a few days now I have been hoping to have a dream about John. Pathetic? Yes. But I don't care. I just wanted to see him and interact with him for a little while. How sad is it that I really looked forward to going to sleep just in the hopes that I would see him? Wow... LOL.

Okay no one should follow me as a blogger anymore... lol. So anyways... Lo and behold, last night it happened. I was watching some videos on his SD card and fell asleep, and he was there!! I won't describe the dream (even though I really want to... lol) because then I would sound like freaking Depresso Bella when she does crazy things just to hear Edward's voice. But it was very possibly the best dream I have ever ever ever had. And then of course every dream ends, and I had to wake up. SAAAAAAAAD DAY ALLLLLLLLL DAY FOR REALS. The moment I woke up, I just laid there trying to remember everything that happened. But man, for those few hours I was asleep, I was so happy to have him back. :)

Did this dream make it super hard to go on with my day? Um.. THAT would be an understatement. Today, it seriously took all I had not to arrange a trip to Concord, CA. It has taken everything in my to not write him and tell him I need him. But this is my life lately. What else can I do but live it for the next 429 days? Nothing. Oh well.

Look. I'm sorry that these posts are super whiny. But when I can't verbally express them, I have to somehow. And sometimes its just nice to type and not have someone talk to me about it and tell me how I need to suck it up or get over it. Screw that. I'd rather say what I need to on a blog that I set up specifically for this purpose; to type it out so I don't vomit sadness all day. So I apologize. If anyone knows of a way to make certain posts private, let me know please. That way I can use that feature more often. LOL.

All in all...... 429 more days of waking up with the crushing feeling of WAKING up. That's a little more than half... It's do-able.

Day 302: Black Holes and Revelations

2010-11-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

I MISSED DAY 300!!!! AGGG! I need to be on top of this.... 54 DAYS UNTIL THE HALF WAY MARK!!! YAYYY!! Now moving on to my real topic...

My life's moments are separated into two categories: Black Holes and Revelations, thus the title. Black Holes are obvious. They are a waste of time and energy, are marked by futile attempts to STOP thinking about how much of a Black Hole it is, have negative repercussions to my minds willpower, and they suck every ounce of hope I had in me at that moment. Revelations can only be the opposite, and are good moments that usually lead to a learning opportunity. They are moments that lead me to realize full potential of myself or of my surroundings, are spiritual glimmers given at the perfect space in time, and have a MUCH longer lasting effect than my Black Hole moments. Now SOMETIMES, moments may fall into the Venn Diagram area of these two categories, and can be both Black Holes AND a Revelation. THOSE moments, are ones that are much less than pleasant, but also I receive a firm witness that it happened for my benefit. Moments may not move into the Venn area until later in time, thus being TRUE life lessons. Now why did I go through and explain my now-dead analogy? Because yesterday, I had 2 moments that fit into each different category, which rarely happens for me, so I wanted you all to understand how cool that was. LOL. And as much as I just set up that analogy ever so nicely, I am not going to be sharing those moments with you, because they are so sacred to me and are extremely personal. But I just wanted to share that they happened. And that because they happened, I had a great day 2 days in a row. :) Viva la vi.

One more thing before I go...... This man is amazing. The end. :) :) :)

Day 272: PDays and Perfection

2010-10-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Wasn't in a blogging mood at all until I sat here and thought about it. I should update, I thought. People think I'm depressed. Well my friends, in ADDITION to my new addition (see last post), I am writing again. :)

Thank you to T for calling me up today and writing that long comment (no really, thank you. :) ). I realize all of those things. But I appreciate it, nonetheless. I honestly felt like going for a run, rather than a walk, last night. But it being Sunday I couldn't lol. So I got up after blogging about it and went to my family's house to be surrounded by family and friends. Took my mind off it, but it still lingered of course.

It wasn't until my Monday PDay emails that my heart and head stopped aching from the stress and worry of stupidity and the like. Somehow, he always knows what to say. He loves me. For me. Amid the stress, the sin, the lack of motivation and sometimes tact, he loves me for me. And that, my dears, is why he is amazing. :)

I realize, life is an ongoing journey. Life is a mish-mash of feeling, heartache, failures and trial, but it is also a compilation of love, laughter, triumphs, and of blessings. We strive for perfection, knowing that our attempts aren't always perfect to us.

"He does not require perfection for us to do His will, but diligence. When all is said and done, we will not be judged on whether we were perfect, but on whether we we tried our best and whether we were diligent. If that is all that he requires, I am wasting my time worrying too much about perfection." Spoken like a true man. :)

Day 271: Selfish Whore

2010-10-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I have decided, is not a great day. It's not terrible, it's not horrible. Just not great. I keep feeling I could be doing so much more. In a spiritual sense, in a sense of schooling, for John, for work... for everything. I feel extremely inadequate in all things right now. My stint at school has come to a complete stop, seeing as I lacked the time or gumption to complete assignments. I collected my financial aid, and just stopped caring. I might be doomed to be one of those moms who never finishes school.

And to top off those feelings of being the stupidest one of my friends, I am starting to feel like I don't deserve John. Wonderful, AMAZING John, who is out there serving the Lord and learning so much about the gospel. I. Don't. Deserve. Him. Why would I deserve to be with someone like that? Someone who is so selfless can't coexist with someone as selfish and mean hearted as I. But I feel utterly helpless at changing that. Every time I try, I fail. I'm a selfish whore. The end.

Man this post didn't even come out right. Its not fluid; just yet another mishmash of feelings. And it's depressing.... Wah.

I miss me. I miss the me I was with John.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New addition:

I almost wish no one read this blog. Even though only 4 or 5 actually do, I still wish no one read this. I wouldn't feel so bad about being constantly depressed on here.

Thing is, I am not a depressed person. I just so happen to only feel like writing on here when I am feeling sad about something. Its a great stress reliever. Because, I cant talk to people about this. I don't want to. I don't want them thinking I need pity. I don't. I just want to talk about it sometimes. I started talking about this with someone this morning, and it was brushed aside. I think people think that I don't need talking time. I'm the one people talk TO, not with. I give advice. I am the listening ear. I have yet to find a single friend who is that for me. When I start talking about it it, somehow it becomes an opening for them to talk. Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that people trust me and my opinion enough to come talk to me about it. I like that they enjoy talking to me and value my friendship. But I need that too. I need someone to listen. So what do I do when I start to talk about my problems, and they take the chance to tell me about theirs? I don't do anything. I don't say a word. I let them talk, because that's what they need. I tell myself, I'll talk to them about it another time. I'll just talk them through their issue, and I'll be fine. Then, on the off chance they ask me after their story, "Oh, were you saying something about that?" I say, "No, not really," and I smile. But man, I have problems, too. And it takes me long enough to work up enough strength to admit to someone else that I have problems. And then they are brushed aside, again and again. Yet another reason I miss John. He cared.

So that, my friends, is why this blog is so full of lonely entries and saddened titles. Because I cant vocalize the issues. They must forever be immortalized on this blog that no one reads. I hope you understand.

Day 260: Quote of the Day

2010-09-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

Dr. Meredith Grey: I don't know what to say to you.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: When Dylan died, when the bomb went off, did you feel, like...
Dr. Meredith Grey: What?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Like you were moving in slow motion?
Dr. Meredith Grey: He was there and then he wasn't. Like I blinked and he was gone.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back to when things were normal. When I wasn't "Poor Izzie" laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her- her dead fiance. But I am. So I can't. And I'm- I'm just stuck. And there is all this pressure cause everyone is hovering around me waiting for me to do something. Or say something, or flip out, or yell and cry some more and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't- I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don't know who this person is.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Izzie...
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? Where's Denny?
Dr. Meredith Grey: You're not alone Izz.

That is all. Thank you friends.

Day 251: Fall Feelings

2010-09-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

What is it about fall that gets you right in the heart? Why, when the leaves change and the weather cools and the air gets crisp, does your heart immediately hurt upon smelling your first sniff of autumn air? Fall has always been known as the Season of Change, and its amazing how it really does become just that. Its something in the air... It makes you feel good and bad at the same time. Happy and sad all rolled into one. Ugh. Feelings. Before I get into it, I apologize to anyone who actually does read this. I use this more as a journal than a blog...
I was talking to a friend tonight, and he casually reminded me that being out almost 9 months isn't that far into 24 months... Eff my life. Thank you for reminding me of a fact that I live with everyday.
I honestly wish I could tell him to come home sometimes. I know I sound super ridiculous right now, but this is the only place I'm allowed to write this down and not have to write a "jk" after. Because really... I'm NOT "jk". I'm completely and utterly serious. COME. HOME. NOW. Eff sacrifice. Eff strength. Eff blessings. I. WANT. JOHN.

Day 245: Mish-Mash

2010-09-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hey look! It hasn't been a month since my last post! Only 5 days! That's good for me! Yipee!

I got the job at the children's daycare center! I start on Friday and I am actually really excited! I honestly am feeling like childcare could be my career. I really enjoy working with children and I actually feel fulfilled in doing it. I have a hands on influence on these children's lives, and I help mold their futures. :) But of course, I am not going to give up on my music as a career option. If my "recording producer" would actually be in town for longer than 10 minutes, I can get going on that. LOL.

Speaking of, Jason is in San Fran right now on a business errand until tomorrow morning. I was going to give him a package to deliver to John, but alas, he flew straight from his va-kay in Hawaii to San Fran. So instead, he is going to try and look up John's number and see if he can take the Elders out to dinner. I love my friends and their want to help out my boyfriend. :) I'm excited for him, but mostly jealous. Who am I kidding, I'm all the way jealous. I wanna see my boyfriend. LOL.

I'm feeling artsy right now. I sat down to write a new song, but all I got was the first verse and the chorus progression. I need to sit and actually write some lyrics now.... But I need to get back in the mood I was feeling when I started strumming out the progression. The progression sounds a little "confused" and right now all I am feeling is "excited". Maybe I'll go back and start writing right now...

Will someone please tell me why the heck boys are deciding now that I am worthy of a chase?? They prey on my loneliness. You fight dirty, you crazies.

Day 240: Hello Again, Old Friend

2010-09-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, its been a really long time since I've been on here. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? You are so dependent on something, then things get crazy and you easily forget about it. Well, certain things. LOL.
Okay. I need a new job. I just went to pick up my measly paycheck and even the ATM didn't like the numbers on the check. Honestly, I love the family and kids I work for, but I need to take care of myself. I need to have a stable schedule with stable hours. They promised me full time work, and for the past month I have had like a 1/4 of that amount of work. I have an interview scheduled for Monday, but I am scared to tell the family. I told them that I have a mandatory class meeting on Monday morning, but I feel terrible. Then the mom went on to say how much she loves having me with her kids and how she wants to keep me even past when I get married... wth am I supposed to do with that info?? Let it fester and boil until I cry from guilt? Thing is, I have tried telling them that I need more hours and they said they would get me more. So I wonder if I am jumping the gun. But do I really want to chance my pay to an occasional wind? Lets list the pros and cons....

PROS
I can do school-work at work
5 second commute
The kids are adorable
I create the rules and schedule for the kids
I love the kids
I love working with children
Its good practice of running my own home with a family

CONS
Not a stable schedule
Not a stable check
The house is disgusting
I can't get the oldest to do anything other than video games
I am working in a bad-ish area
I have to work in a gross kitchen
When the kids are sick, I get sick
The kids have no discipline in their life with parents, so I start new each day
When I attempt to scrub the house, I come back the next day to the same state it was in when I started to clean it.

Yea what does one do with that list? Now I just feel all the more confused... It really is just up to me I guess. Can I deal with the con's of this job? Or would I rather look elsewhere for another job that I CAN handle the con's of. In the end, the money issue keeps coming up. Because no matter how much I love these kids or the convenience of the job, it all comes down to whether I can AFFORD to keep this job. Should I bring this up to the parents and ask for more money? I already feel like I am putting them out money-wise... And it sucks because I honestly feel like I am doing more of a favor to them than WORKING for them. UGH. I. HATE. DECISIONS.
Another thing I feel I have to decide, is wth I want to do with my life. I have so many interests, and I feel like that is more of a hindrance than a good thing. Do I want to open a baking business? Do I want to teach elementary education? Do I want to teach vocal performance? What will fit best with my goals of marriage and family? Easily, all of them could fit. But its a matter of wanting to find a career before I have children, rather than trying to still figure it out when my child is 3 years old. That's how I am. I am constantly looking for something stable and sure... Oh shoot just got inspired...
All in all, this past blog break has proven to be fruitless and stressful. I feel better now having had written this all down somewhere and gotten it out of my head. Oh Blogger, your therapy is amazing.

495 days til my sanity returns, and 105 days until Christmas phone calls.....

Day 206: I MISSED IT!!

2010-08-07T04:33:00.000-07:00

I just realized at 4:30 am that I missed the 200 day mark!!! Ahhhh! Lol. Only 5 more times of this!!!!! I can do it! 200 is such a big number! Lol. Of course, 735 is a LARGER number, but wooooooo!!!! :)

That is all. :)
529 days left!!

Day 185: Because I Said So

2010-07-17T01:22:00.000-07:00

I always told myself I’d be the cool mom. The one that sneaks you a cookie when Dad isn’t looking. The kind of mom that would let you drive up the state just because “all your friends were doing it”. And while I have yet to become a mother, I am responsible for the care of three young boys. Wanna know what I caught myself saying to one boy today? You guessed it. “Because I said so.” Yikes. Dreams of being The Cool Mom? Dashed.

Day 181: Love and Stress

2010-07-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 6 Month Mark of John's mission!! Only 18 more months to go! 3 more times of this. I can do that right? I look back at the last 6 months and I am amazed at how fast it really went... It kind of feels like he left like 2 months ago. Soooo maybe by the end of his mission it will feel like he only left like 8 months before? Who knows. Its all subjective, of course; depending on how sad and lonely I am. Sometimes it seems like it went by fast, sometimes it feels like I have forever left. Sometimes I have no doubts about being patient, and sometimes I freak out because it is SO FAR AWAYYYYYYYY. But ALL the time, I am filled with a feeling for him that can only be described as undying love. Call me cliche, and call me disgusting and mushy. But to call what I feel simply "love" is not enough. LOL. But moving on, I am proud to say that 6 months has passed, and he is doing extremely well. He is enjoying himself, loving the people, loving his companion, loving his roommates, tolerating the area, struggling with finding investigators, but overall, LOVING his mission. Oh, and loving ME. ;)

Stress has also come to hide in the corners of my mind. Stressed about school, about being able to afford it, the financial aide office's antics, moving out.... wah. Money is stressful. I hate money. I swear, if I had lots of it, I would be the happiest person ever. Does money buy happiness? No. But it definitely pays rent to happiness.

Someday, it will all be okay.

Day 168: Look, Ma! I'm Doin' It!

2010-06-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

Thats right. I'm moving out. Scared as a freaking dog on 4th of July, of course. But I'm doing it.

That is all.

Day 151: Burning In My Soul

2010-06-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I know. I've been busy....ish. Lol. But I just realized there is something going on that I think is blog worthy.
With starting my new job of babysitting for three rambunctious boys, I've had more time to evaluate my life than I thought I would have. I find myself thinking about what I have done so far these past 22 years, what I had hoped I would have done by now, and what my new goals are. And amazingly, I find that my answer to each of those questions are completely different from the other. Not a good sign. Sure, goals change. Life happens. But somewhere in the hub-bub of me getting to this place in life, I haven't accomplished much. The only things I have done that I am actually proud of are graduate high school, graduate Cosmetology, get my Cosmetology License, annnd.... Fall in love? Get hurt? Have a "stupendous" relationship with my family? Yea, I think not.
My life has been a big blob of Blah thusfar, and I can't change that. But suddenly, every ounce of me burns for something more. Call me crazy, but I know I'm meant to do something more with my life. I'm meant to be great. At what, I'm not sure. But there is some part of me that knows I'm meant for more, and it won't let the other parts rest until that is a realized fact. Call it my inner-self screaming of my divine nature. Call it the human will to accomplish. But I'm not normal. I'm above that. I should be doing something great and beautiful and pleasing and fulfilling all at the same time! But what?!?
There is a scene in the movie The Holiday that I love (actually, the whole movie is made of scenes I love). There is this "has-been" screenwriter who the Guild wants to honor, but for months he has been ignoring their attempts to contact him. Finally, Iris (a WONDERFUL woman on holiday from a manipulative ex) convinces him he should allow himself to be honored. A crazy series of events happens between the convincing and the attending of this Night with Abott, but my favorite scene is when he actually arrives.
In the lobby there is no one but the ushers and a few movie posters. And the ushers let him know that everyone is waiting for him, and they open the door to the auditorium. And here comes this feeble man, with the biggest heart and smallest ego, walking into a crowd of cheers and smiles. The place is FILLED with people who love him and his work; with people he has touched in one way or another. And on his face you see the amazement of a man who didn't know his worth.
As I watch that scene, I know that I am meant to have that. Someday, I will touch the lives of others with my work, whatever that ends up being. I am meant for something greater than I am allowing myself to have at this moment. And my heart breaks knowing that I don't have enough faith in myself to let me have it. I have this urge to touch someones life in a way that will leave ME speechless and leave my face full of amazement.
But I promise you this: I will have that. I will be a success. And I will be somebody to be proud of.

Day 125: A Quick Game of Catch-Up

2010-05-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Wow. I have gone about 2 whole weeks without posting anything on here! Weirdest feeling ever. LOL.

A lot has happened. I got a surprise phone call from the most amazing missionary ever (I LOVE YOU, JOHN!!), I got a job, I lost a job, I lost weight, I gained weight, then lost it again, had tons of fun with friends, Disneyland, ect ect. I'm doing a good job of accepting things and moving on though! So lesson learned! LOL.

I caught myself reading the "Missing You" greeting cards at the grocery store today. They were cute and I thought multiple times about purchasing a few of them to send of sporadically. But I refrained. And I bought teeth whitening gear instead. LOL.

Well, I have an interview tomorrow, and maybe it will pull through. But I've learned that once I am meant to have a job, I'll find one that will stick and I will enjoy. Well, enjoy enough to care to keep it.

At the end of this transfer, John will be a quarter done with his mission. Only 3 more times, only 3 more times....... He's worth it. :)

Day 105: Motivation

2010-04-28T14:30:00.000-07:00

We all need it. We all crave it. But what really gets you going? It could be the advice of a friend. Maybe that dress you just have to have. What about your high school reunion? It could be any of those things, but everyone has one of more reasons to get up and do what needs to be done. And I'm not just talking losing weight. It could be a long or short term goal. Maybe you need motivation at actually go to work that day. Or to make a phone call you've been putting off. Either way, to be motivated is arguably the best way to get things done.
In talking with a few friends in the past few days I realized that while I consider myself a very self motivated person (I usually don't need an outside force to push me to do something), in actuality I do need positive reinforcement. My goal of losing 60 pounds has been a long standing one, that changes as my weight fluctuates. I've dieted most of my teens and into my twenties with no lasting results. I want THIS time to be the LAST time.
So here is my list of things that get me moving and feeling good about my goal. I encourage everyone to have a list like this, as it seriously brings so much strength to your plans. After making this list, you can't just wish your goal away. You now have set it in motion.

1. Confidence

I'm a confidant person. I know what I want and how I'm going to get it. But sometimes, I let my weight push me around. I don't participate in activities that I feel like a fat-chick doing. I enjoy most sports, but I don't play with people who are skinnier than me. That's my deal, I know. But I always worry what others will think or see if I play with people who actually look like they know what they're doing. I want to play volleyball. I have so much fun playing, but can never work up the strength to actually get out and play, because who wants the fat-chick on their team? While I realize that wanting to be thinner should NOT limit what I participate in, it does.

2. Little White Dress

I want to look good on my wedding day. The End. Everyone wants this. I just know that white isn't a great color on me as it is, and I want to look stunning in my pictures. I want to look back and be totally happy with my image. I don't want to be ashamed of showing my daughter my wedding pictures. I want to take the cute picture of John carrying me across a lawn. I want him to have his arms around me from behind and not push everything UP and OUT. I want to feel beautiful, and feel like I have earned the privilege to FEEL beautiful on my wedding day.

3. Future Family

I want my kids to be proud of their mom. I want them to be able to say to their friends, "Yes, my mom is pretty, isn't she?" I know how kids are. I know how they think. I know how they talk. I used to talk crap on friends mom's who were larger. I know how much it hurt my friends when they found out what I had said. I don't want my kids to have that happen to them. I don't want to have them come home from kindergarten and have them cry "Sally said my mom was fat." It would hurt them, and it would hurt me. I want to be able to run with them, play with them, and shop with them. I want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I want to be an active person in their life, and show them how important it is to take care of yourself. I want to be old and feel young enough to be with my grandkids. I don't want to be like my own grandmother, sentenced to a chair for the rest of her life. I don't want to be addicted to food and be depressed because of it. I want to live a long and healthy life.

4. My Body Is A Temple

Now, I don't want you thinking that I am a horribly depressed girl who hates herself. I love myself. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I know I am attractive. I just want to better myself as a person and as a Daughter of God. I know its cliche, but it's true. My body is a temple, given to me on the condition that I take care of it. What better motivation than that? I NEED to take care of this beautiful creation that God intended for me and me alone. If God knows I can take care of my body, than I know I can.

All in all, this goal of mine can be reached. I know it, you know it, and God knows it. Why not make it a reality this time around?

Day 101: Makes Me Feel Better.

2010-04-24T15:53:00.001-07:00

Come on, you all have things you love to do that make you feel better. Everyone does. And this is my favorite to do right now.... LOL.

Watching Lindsay Lohan Unravel

FACE IT. She's a train wreck. One that I absolutely love to see happen. Watching her slowly (actually... not all that slowly...) slide into celebrity oblivion brings me that same satisfaction I imagine an after-sex-cigarette would bring. It's beautiful and relaxing. She got fired from ANOTHER movie? Great. She went into rehab HOW MANY times? Fantastic. She's just one of those timeless no-show celebrities that make you stare and think HAHA YOU FAMOUSLY RICH SKELETON! Yes, she's a person, too. She's got feelings. BUT if she really cared what people thought about her, she should probably sober up and realize she's a mess. But oh how that mess makes me happy. :) Poor poor now-broke celebrity. Her and Nicholas Cage should swap stories and share their scars together. LOL.

Does that make me a horrible person for loving another's demise? Probably. But for now, it makes my life seem a little better. :)

Day 100: True Love Waits

2010-04-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long??? I didn't even realize it had been 100 days until I sat down to write this post!! Only 635 more to go. I only have to do this 6 more times... and them some. Manageable, right? I think so. Or at least I'd like to think so... I can do it.

So today I just haven't felt much like doing anything. Today was one of those no-makeup-loose-jeans-huge-sweater days. Ever had those? I'm sure everyone has. I don't even feel like writing in here. I just did it because I realized I needed to. And it was day 100.

Remember in elementary school on the 100th day of school? Everyone would make posters with 100 something on it. Pennies, macaroni noodles, rice, pop corn kernels... All in the shape of the number 100. I feel like doing that today, but what should I use? I could use paperclips. Or I could use clippings from all the envelopes I've gotten. But seriously? I probably won't do that. LOL.

I've come to the realization that nothing is going to change about my family. They are going to stay the same annoying bunch that they always are. I can try to fit my way into their annoying ways and try to tolerate it, or I can just be totally and completely unhappy. I'm leaning more towards the latter option, but I know that would make me a masochist and a glutten for punishment. Eh.

THE ONLY THING that seems to bring me any kind of pleasure or relief from life right now is reading. My favorite book of all time, The Time Traveler's Wife. SOOO GOOD. I love the triumph of love over time, and the amazing relationship that builds so unconventionally. I find myself relating to Clare Abshire more than I can relate to another acutal person. LOL. But isn't that what novels were written for? For you to relate to characters in ways you can't relate to real life? I love the dynamics of their relationship (Henry and Clare), and I love that their love survives MORE than just years, weeks, days, hours and minutes apart. THAT is true love. True love waits, and not only in the cliche'd way everyone thinks. True love WAITS. Amen, Audrey Niffenegger. Amen.

Day 91: Thoughts For Your Soul

2010-04-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

As much as I love writing in here, sometimes my words aren't enough to calm my own mind. Here are a few quotes that have changed my life, and will likely change yours. :)

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.--Sam Keen

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.--Helen Keller

Keep away from small people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.--Mark Twain

Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.--Kenny Rogers

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.--Karen Kaiser Clark

We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.--Mary Antin

Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day.--John Mayer

Of course we're Christian. The very name of the church declares that. The more people see us and come to know us, the more I believe they will come to realize that we are trying to exemplify in our lives and in our living the great ideals which (Jesus Christ) taught.--Gordon B. Hinckley

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.--John Maxwell

A woman can't be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can't do it by herself.--Marilyn Monroe

And my personal favorite from a man who is simultaneously a genius and an Arrogant Albert,

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's OK though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, hey girl, magenta! and she's like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, no - I want magenta!--John Mayer

Day 84: Family: Isn't It About Time?

2010-04-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

Yes I know that the title of this blog implies that I am about to tell you an amazingly adorable story from my family life that has brought us all together, but in fact it's quite the opposite. You see, I feel its "about time" for my beloved family to start being a more positive bunch, rather than the obnoxiously annoying bunch that they are. Don't get me wrong. They are wonderful. They are loving (at times). They have your back (again, sometimes). But really, folks? Really?
My parents seem to lack the ability to let their children grow up. Hiding the remote from the family was fine when the oldest was 10. Locking cabinets was okay when you had toddler's in the house. Placing a password on EVERYTHING in the house that could possibly use one, is terrific when you are worried about porn addictions and the like. Putting a curfew on each of your children, telling them that you never change things on them, then texting them an hour before their "new and improved" curfew goes in effect, is NOT okay.
My parents keep talking about how they want me to feel closer to the family; how I should feel that my "house is a haven from the outside world". Little do they know that in fact, the outside world is a haven from my house. I can't stand being with people who don't want me there anyway. And no matter how many times I talk to them about how I feel, it never changes. They still make snide remarks about "well why don't you just move out?" and "if you were more RESPONSIBLE..." blah blah blah. OKAY. Last I checked, I take care of a lot of things so they don't have to. I pay my bills, though it takes quite a bit of scrounging. I clean my messes, though usually someone just makes the same mess after me. I do what they ask me to, though that usually results in them telling me I don't do enough around the house. I focus my time and energy on finding a job, but when I am in the lingo period of waiting to hear back, they complain that I should get out of the house. THEN when I do, they change curfew on me, tell me I should do more around the house, and that I need a job... EFF. THIS. Just ONCE I would love for them to SAY what they mean and MEAN what they say.
Another example of how much my family REALLY wants me to feel a part of this "family", I scheduled a sit in with the City of Brea today, and was told that my family is going to the beach today. BUT that they would wait until 12 so that I could go. I wake up this morning, to find everyone in their suits, packing lunches and swapping towels. So you can understand, how confused I was when it was 9:00 and they were supossed to leave at 12:00. When I asked my mom about this, she said they had changed their mind and were leaving at 10:30---the time I was scheduled for my sit in. WOW. GREAT way to make me feel a part of this family, go to the beach for family day and NOT invite me.

And they wonder why I want to leave so much... oh I pity the fool.

Day 82: Sin Empathy

2010-04-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm beginning to understand why people drink and party. I never got that before. Why the heck would someone look forward to a weekend of drunken stupor with physical and emotional damages attached? Why the heck would someone just drink until they couldn't anymore? I used to wonder these things, never hoping to know the answer. Now, I am starting to understand.

My day hasn't been bad. No, not bad enough to want to crawl into a hole and sleep until the "promise" of a NEW day begins. But bad enough that I do want to just forget. To do something so fun and crazy that I can somehow mask this hurting that is throbbing in my chest. I'm not one for over dramatic analogies, so you KNOW this is bad. LOL. I was watching this show, Mercy, and a bunch of nurses who deal with loads and loads of death and drama were getting wasted one night. And you know what? They looked happy. For those few split seconds of that scene, they looked happy. Even though one's dad was diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's and her marriage was falling apart, one was dealing with a suicidal patient that was beginning to lose control of her body, and the other was dealing with loneliness issues of being the "new girl" in a Jersey hospital. They looked happy. They laughed, they flirted, they danced, and they. Looked. Happy.

That's when it clicked. How I partially wish I could just feel that sappy numbness for a while. I wish I could go to a club, have a few drinks, get a little buzzed and be totally and completely forgetful. And while I'm not crazy, and know that it only hides the throbbing until you start vomiting in the morning, just those few moments of blissful ignorance seem so enticing. I want to get lost in a droning beat. I want to get lost in a shot or two. I want to get lost OUTSIDE my own head and heart.

But alas, I am just a girl with morals and values that exceed my fantasy of forgetful bliss. What's a girl to do?

Day 78: Something Fun :)

2010-04-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

1. What television character do you identify with?

Thats actually kinda difficult for me to answer, seeing as I don't really watch TV on a regular enough basis to identify with anyone. LOL. But off the top of my head, I would have to say Rachel Berry from Glee. She's a religious-quirky-controlling-demanding-"persuasive"-motivated performer with high standards for herself and those around her. She rubs people the wrong way, but generally is just looking out for them. Half the "crazy" things she does, I empathize with. LOL. Sure, she has high aspirations. But in the end, she just wants to be loved. :)

2. Describe your morning routine

Wake up, scripture study, sleep again :), breakfast (only sometimes... THAT needs to change, I know), chores, write a letter..... wait for a job to call me. LOL. BORING life, I'm trying to change that.

3. How do you do lunch? Bring from home or dine out? Same thing every day or mix it up?

Seeing as I'm at home every day for lunch... LOL. But when I was at school, I would bring my lunch. And if you brought a pb&j sandwhich, you were boring. Really though, the cooler the lunch item, the more interesting you were. We all brought leftover meals from home. Or Lean Cuisine. MMM... My favorite to bring was the Seasame Chicken. DE-LISH.

4. What is one moment that, although seemingly trivial at the time, changed your life?

The moment I decided to share my music with the ward in our Talent Show. It was really last minute for me, and I wasn't even sure I wanted to do it, because it was the first time I was going to play my music for anyone who wasn't outside my closed bedroom door. Who knew, that playing that night, would cause the love of my life to actually work up the courage to talk to me, because now we had something in common. LOL. He approached me two days later and we started our friendship based soley on music. :) What a way to start a relationship, eh?

5. Name your top three beauty products.

1)Leave in conditioner. 2) Concealor. 3) Black mascara.

6. What do you do when you’re alone in the car?

Sing as loud as I can to whatever is on the radio, try to find different harmonies than the ones they're already singing. Oh, and I'll critique others driving habits... loudly. LOL.

7. What is the ideal city for you to live in?

That is a tough question that I really don't think I have enough experience to answer. But, I think I'd like to live in a safe city in SoCal. Does such a place exist? LOL. And yes, I know I didn't really answer the question.

8. Are you waiting for something?

It seems I am always waiting for something. Waiting for Glee to start back up, waiting for the mail, waiting for the weekend, waiting for a missionary... Waiting is a continual game that everyone plays.

9. What was the last shocking news you heard?

That my plans to move out may actually work. And sooner than November, no less!

10. What are three things you wouldn’t do for a million dollars?

1) Cut off any part of my body. 2) ANY immoral act (including things that go against my standards) 3) Drink anyones bodily fluid. Blood, urine, sweat, ect? NO WAY.

Day 73: Dreams. Please Go Away.

2010-03-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you feel guilty while sleeping? So guilty in fact, that you wake up wanting to vomit. While I totally understand that dream cheating isn't cheating... its still disheartening to wake up and find that you're sad you've woken up.

Did I expect that I wouldn't ever be thinking about how attractive other guys are? HEAVEN'S no. I'm not so naive to think that somehow I, a 21 year old girl on the verge of many-a-mental-breakdown, would be exempt to natural laws of human nature. I DID however, expect to not have such an issue with stupid "dream cheating".

LAME. What I dream about can NOT be helped, and does NOT reflect my waking desires. So why am I freaking out, wanting to avoid all men? Maybe because being a dream-cheater is... enjoyable? Loathsome? Fun? Horrible? You decide. As for me, I'm going to live on No-Doze and caffeinated cola for this up-and-coming new fad my brain has decided to partake in. Thanks, brain. You always know just what to do to make me crazy.

Day 62: Best Way To Start A Week?

2010-03-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

And the best way to start a week would be...... *drum roll please*..... A great lesson from the New Testament! Let me tell you about my day thus far. I woke up from a dream in which I was skinny! Not just skinny, but the perfect kind of skinny where you're thin, but still round enough to be sexy. It was amazing. And on top of that, I was best friends with Jessica Simpson because I was her trusted Assistant/Consultant. It was a really great dream. Not just for the fact that I was petite and friends with a superstar, but because I felt GOOD. I felt HEALTHY. And I felt BLESSED. It was a great dream, and a great motivator to get out of bed and run. So I had my whole-grain toast and I was out the door. I rode my bike to the institute, the whole time thinking how grateful I was that it was so nice out, and how pretty everything looked (had a great Relief Society lesson yesterday on the creation... can ya tell?? LOL). I always love lessons like that; the ones that make you realize just how BLESSED you really are.

I then chat with a fellow dieter/jogger and feel once again motivated to really go out and give the track a good pounding from my feet. LOL. IT. FELT. SO. GOOD. I know I already blogged about how much I am really enjoying being outside and exercising, but every time I get back out there every morning, I feel so much better. After my weekly weigh-in, I have discovered that I have lost 3 pounds!!! BEST FEELING EVER. Not only knowing that it is actually physically possible for me to lose weight, but also knowing that I WANT to do it some MORE! Lol. It seems like lately, I've been having all these motivating things happen to me. What makes this time so different? Why is it I actually feel like going out jogging everyday, no fail? Is it because I have put everything I have in the Lord? Which leads me to today's lesson. I had the "opportunity" to be in Brother Rosell's institute class today ALL BY MYSELF. Just me and the teacher. Some people may ask... "Why is that such an opportunity??" Well, because it gave me a greater feeling that I was literally hearing what I, ME, MYSELF, needed to hear. I trusted that he was allowing the Spirit to work through him, and indeed it was. He said he wasn't going to go through his prepared lesson, but was going to meander through a few chapters and verses here and there. We went through Luke 5, with Simon Peter being put as the main focus. I can't recall everything that was said or taught, but the one I do remember the most, was the end of the chapter, where Jesus is discussing a parable for the newly called disciples. He refers to a piece of new cloth not being able to patch old cloth, because it would ruin both pieces. And also new wine not being poured into an old bottle, because the bottle would burst and spill the new wine, therefore destroying both. Now normally, I read little parables like that and take them at face value, not really knowing what they mean. But after dissecting it with Brother Rosell, I was able to understand that he was actually talking about how the new Law of Christ can not patch the old Law of Moses. Because the two laws are very contradicting to each other. And he asked me, "How can we relate this to OUR lives? Not just the New Testament?" After some thought, I was reminded of how we, as humans, tend to cling to the old, and are not willing to commit to a change. And how Christ NEEDS us to change sometimes, so we can be presented with greater callings, bringing greater blessings. We, as the natural man, can not coexist with the person God wants us to be. We have to be willing to accept this new cloth or new wine. And in order to do so, we can not be "old" in our understanding of His gospel. This brought me to think about times in my life that I chose to either accept or turn down the new cloth/wine. I started thinking about my current situation of pride and being unforgiving. I've been trying harder to realize when I am actually guilty of this, and stopping dead in my tracks to change it. I have felt a greater purpose since attacking this fault head on, and I feel the Lord slowly pouring new wine into the new bottle I am creating. Coming to realize the change I am making and the change God wants for me coincides with the other is the greatest feeling. I just got my weekly email from John. I am soooo proud of that man. I love him soooo much. :) He is definitely one of those things that keeps me going, and helps me realize that there is a greater purpose for my life. All in all, this should be a great week. :) Let's see if it plays out that way. ♥

Day 57: Feeling GOOOOOOD.

2010-03-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

Today was actually okay! I've recently taken up jog/walking daily and man does it feel good!! Despite the fact that I haave to HAVE TO take allergy meds prior to stepping on that track, I feel so alive! Definitely a boost of energy, ego and emotion. Whoever first discovered that exercise leads to emotional stability, was darn right! I didn't even mind that I didn't get my scheduled weekly letter today. LOL. Got a little sunburned on the face and chest though... sunscreen is evidently needed lol! But hopefully, the result will be great and an extra PLUS-PLUS, I FEEL great!

Short entries.... All I have time for! LOL. I'm off to the temple for the first time in a long time (NEVER let your limited use reccoment expire, Jessica. Because then you take FOREVER to remember to get it renewed. BAD Jessica!!). I can not WAIT!!

Peace and Happiness... my best friends for the day. :)

Day 55: STOP. GETTING. ENGAGED!!

2010-03-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY is everyone getting engaged. LOL!! THAT is all!!

Day 47: Jealousy and Pride

2010-02-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

So I'm probably one of the most prideful people you will ever meet. How sad is that? I'm not prideful in the way of me being better than everyone (although... generally this IS the case... LOL. Just kiddin', folks). But I am prideful in always being right. And I am always right. LOL.

After the fireside last night with Dr. Taylor Hartman (author of The Color Code), I have become aware of my pride. I always knew I was prideful, don't get me wrong. But I thought I was only in the way of thinking that only I can help my own situations. I hate accepting help; absolutely hate admitting to myself that I may need more help than I can provide myself with. But after listening to this very wise man discuss the different faucets of pride, I learned that I am also guilty of prideful unforgiving. There are people in my life I deem unworthy of my forgiveness. And therefore I hold onto my grudges and continue to hate them for the rest of their existence in my life. AND even though I am now aware of this sin, I continue to hold on to it. IS there a way of forgiving someone of their misdeeds but still being totally turned off by them? Can I do that; forgive someone but still hate being around them and their stupidity?

If anyone has an answer, I thought it would be my mother. So I asked, after discussing the situation in which I am currently struggling. And her answer, was yes. She stated that I should forgive them in their social shortcomings, but also in doing so, should avoid contact with them as much as I could. I asked her if that was what Jesus would do in this situation? And she said that sometimes, there are people you just can't be around because of clashing personalities. "It's better to avoid the feeling of contention rather than bring it about by trying to NOT bring it about." But would Jesus want me to avoid this person? I would be very curious if Jesus ever was annoyed by certain people. Like did He ever think, "UGH. Those Pharisees should really just crawl into a hole"?

I am also VERY guilty of jealousy today. PEOPLE KEEP GETTING MARRIED AND ENGAGED. I am very happy for their situations, but am very jealous of their happiness. I keep thinking, why are THEY allowed to be happy and engaged and I must sit here in sacrament alone. Why do I have to be subjected to the backscratching-hand-holding-ring-wearing couples. Believe me, Jealousy does NOT look good on me. It usually results in running mascara and used up Kleenex's. So as I sat in sacrament, sans-boyfriend, I opened my heart in the most sincere prayer I could muster in the audience of a chapel full of people. And you know what? It still hurt, but I instantly remembered a scripture. "[My daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." And while I was still tearing up every now and then, I knew Someone was there listening to me, and sympathizing with my soul.

Gotta love the peace this knowledge brings. ♥

Day 42: NEW MUSIC THAT I LOVE

2010-02-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

Dude. Check these guys out. They're called The Script and this song is called "Breakeven" I LOVE THEM. If I could figure out how to post the stupid video on here, I totally would. BUT I guess I just ain't smart enough for that. LOL.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.youtube.com%252Fwatch%253Fv%253D9yZ1uI5yPbY&h=4dac182a948af66433c77256cdfa967e&ref=mf

Got an email from John yesterday. That was soooo nice. But why do I still feel like this is going to take forever? Its been a little over a month and for a bit, I was telling myself This is gonna be a cakewalk. Yea well...... LOL. It's not hard in the sense that I don't want to wait for him anymore. It's hard in the sense of BEING away from him like this. I'm used to depending on him for some semblance of sanity in my life; some good advice and a good ear. Of course I can talk to other people, but it's not really the same. Its different. I mean, sure I'm fine. I'm not depressed. I just miss my best friend.

Day 41: Dreams, Death and Distress

2010-02-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

My sleeping brain officially hates me. I have been having too many horrible dreams for my own sanity's sake. Dreams of death, disaster, and hatred keep flitting their way into my open mind while and I sleep. And what do I have to say to those nasty little buggers???

SCRAM.

UGH. I feel like I should have something more to write about... But I dont. Just one of those days I guess.
Wah.

Day 38: HIS VOICE, HIS VOICE!!

2010-02-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

He sent me the recorder back!! I got it yesterday... oh my gosh I have missed hearing his voice sooo much! I was starting to forget....

I. LOVE. THAT. MAN. OF. MINE.

We're getting married. And you're all invited. :)

Day 28: Valentine's Is Fast Approaching.

2010-02-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I spent ALL morning in the kitchen as a "real woman" should. I made a ton of Valentine's junk food to send off to John. And suprisingly, I had a really fun time. I didn't mind baking all day. I didn't mind annoying cookie cutters. I didn't mind frosting stuck to my fingertips. I didn't even mind the red food colored palms I had afterwards. Because the whole time I kept thinking "John is going to love this. John is going to LOVE this." And that made it all worth it. :0) Oh the things I will do for that man. I kept thinking, You know, I could totally see myself in our kitchen making a hot meal. He comes home from work totally excited to see me. Gives me a huge hug and asks how my day was. We talk for a bit and then the timer goes off and I rush to get my culinary masterpeice from the oven. The table is set, we bless the food, and have a nice dinner. I know that is so cliche, and I realize that scene is not for everyone. Some women would like it to be the other way around. SHE comes home to the hubby ready with a hot meal, ect. And I used to think that way, too. I wanted that life for myself. But being with John has made me realize just how much I want to be a stay-at-home-mother and wife. I want to mother my children and be the best wife I could ever possibly be. I WANT that 50's family relationship where Father comes home to Mother makin' dinner and the kids comin' home from school and emptyin' their lunch boxes. Of course TV makes it different than it ever will be, but "gee golly" who says I can't have that? Who says I can't strive to make that a reality? Ever since I was a little girl I've always known I was going to be a wife/mother first, businesswoman second. And I feel that is the best route for me.

Just you watch. My life can become what I want it to be. That two story home with the white-picket fence? The golden retriever who's name is Buddy? That Saturday morning where my kids are watching television eating Coco Puffs? Its mine. And when it is, I will proudly and joyously call it my own. Just you watch.

Day 24: Oh COME ON.

2010-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

SOOOO. This week has been full of surprises...

Mainly, texts from the ex who still can't get OVER it!! Wow, really?? It was over a year ago, and you're still begging me to come back?

I dumped you a year ago, found a better me, a better life, and an AMAZING boyfriend and you STILL aren't over it?

I dumped you a year ago, you found a job, took a few classes, got yourself a ...new girlfriend and you STILL AREN'T OVER IT.

I. PITY. YOU.

Can you please move on with your life so everyone else around you can?

And now moving from that topic, last night I was reading in my old journal. It was nice to be all nostalgic and stuff, until I started reading entries from when John almost broke up with me. I was so confused and hurt and sad that somehow, I was able to transfer ALL those emotions onto the page. So it was like... I was sucking all that emotion OUT of the page and into myself. I had to keep reminding myself "That was 8 months ago. Things are different. He loves you and wants to marry you. Keep it together." And keep it together, I did. Though it was probably the hardest thing to do at the time. NEVER read old entries about sad times. NEVER AGAIN.

It's the weekend finally! YAY! And I got a letter yesterday with a handful of pictures!! Can I just say that my boyfriend is freaking HOT! And now even more so with the tag.... Oh what a cutie patootie. ♥

Day 20: Sometimes, Maybe, Okay Yes.

2010-02-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

Do I ever think about our wedding??

*insert title here*

Mannnnnnn. Two freaking years. And it didn't help that our whole Relief Society was all about the temple yesterday. Wah. It got me all excited to receive my endowment, and that won't even happen for a long time. WAAH. BOO freaking WHO.

I really miss him. A lot. I got another letter, and right before he closed it out he said "Jess, know that you are the most loved girl on earth. I love you."

Aw John I love you too. :) Come home soon. I need you.

Day 17: Oh The Memories

2010-01-29T16:15:00.000-08:00

I used some hair product today on Ryan's cut, annnnd it wasnt until I opened it that I realized it was John's favorite. So as I'm styling his hair... All I'm thinking is about John. The smell is amazing, and I just remember being close to John and smelling his hair paste. Mmmmmm. Creepy, yes. Oh well.

I want letter #2 please. Please? Mr. Postman hates me. He mocks me with his Smart and Final ads and auto insurance bills. Is there no peace??? LOL.

Day 15: Wowee, the boredom is unreal.

2010-01-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

So I decided....

That this is killing me. K-I-L-L-I-N-G me. LOL. But not for the reason you may first suspect. No, it's because I'm bored! Today, I think I counted the days I've been at home with nothing to do about 52 times, did some major contemplating, wrote a very long letter, sent a talk with LOTS of notes attatched, glanced at the mailbox about 34 times, worked out for a while, plucked every unwanted hair from my brows (I mean EVERY unwanted hair), colored my brows, trimed my bangs and length, and curled my hair... the LONG way. WOW. OH! But I did weed a ton today! Successful day?? UM I think so! Yeeeeaaaa right.

Still have not heard from a single company about possibly wanting to interview me. Can someone please tell me when the blessings start coming? I'm doing EVERYTHING I possibly can. I have faith that they WILL come eventually, butttttttt now would be nice.

I did wedding hair today. I looked lovely. :)

Day 13: I. Want. A. Job.

2010-01-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

JOB PLEASE.

I wish just for once something would actually work out for me, you know? LOL. Theme of my life...

So I applied for a real person job. Yay. I'm praying it all works out... I really need this. Like really bad.

I want another letter. I miss him... wah. LOL.

Day 11: No Title Needed

2010-01-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

725 days/103 weeks/24 Fast Sundays left to go!

I like the weeks one... Makes it seem a little easier.

I thought after a letter like the last one I would be okay for a while; you know, no doubts of how he feels and such. Eh. Not so much. I'm already worried again. And, he hasn't contacted his family yet... Michael is upset. Lol.

Yesterday, Becca told me something I thought was sweet. :) "Jessica, I swear if you turn out like *Susan* I'm going to slit your throat. You better wait for him. Don't go dating someone else 6 months before he comes home because you're lonely. He's a catch." (*name changed for privacy*) I loved that. It made me smile. I like that my family loves him too. :)

I can't wait until he's home and I can say "Don't leave me" and this time have it be true. :)

Day 10: Vicious Cycle

2010-01-22T11:52:00.000-08:00

Really. I was okay yesterday. Was okay this morning. Now it hits all of a sudden. I don't like this. Not one bit. Does he know what this is doing to me?? I'm becoming a madwoman! And on top of that, I have a dentist appointment today. ROCK ON, FRIDAY!! Man. Life is soo good. Ugh. Screw this.
I secretly wish he comes home early. I'm evil. I KNOW.

I hate this.

---------------------------------------------------
New addition. I just remembered that one of my friends is getting married tomorrow. Yay for her! But I'm still jealous. I want my wedding. I want John home. :( Selfish moment over.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!

2010-01-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

I GOT LETTER!!!

He. Is. So. Amazing.

I LOVE HIM.

He asked me to wait! Said he misses me terribly... awww.

♥

Day Eight: A Moment Of Relapse.

2010-01-20T09:16:00.000-08:00

Dear John,

I know you aren't here... and I know you won't get this until 728 days from today :( but I just wanted to say that you are the cutest missionary I have ever seen :) It makes me so proud to see you in your tag and know that you carry the name of the Lord over your heart every day.

Gosh I wish I could just tell you all of this. John I love you so much and you have blessed my life immensly. Without you I would be making the biggest mistake of my life right now, and I am so grateful to you for that. Thank you for loving me, even when I was a jerk and confusing. :) Thank you for being there for me to help me get over it, even when it was uncomfortable for you. That's what a true friend does for someone, regardless of how it makes them feel. Thank you for loving me enough to stick around so long.

I love you so much, and I know that this will only strengthen our relationship if we play it right. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make us work. You're amazing and you deserve nothing less than my very best. It's the least I can

do for all you have ever done for me. I know you will be home fairly quickly, and then we can start again.

I love you, Min Joon Lee. More than I love air. ;)

Love Always, Jess

Day Seven: Oh the places I'll go...

2010-01-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

My head hurts. WHY??

BECAUSE I'M A GENIUS.

I'm learning to read and write Korean. A BIG goal I set for myself since John left. I want to be better than HIM, which I am told won't be too hard. LOL. YAY FOR OTHER LANGUAGES!

Day Three: I Woke Up... Happy??

2010-01-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

Today was actually okay!! I just did my best to ignore all negative thoughts of Maybe, he doesn't care all that much.. Was he faking?? and I DID IT! Lol. Thanks to the help of some girls who I'm so glad are here for me.... :)

Just TRY and tell me he isnt adorable. And a huge stud.... LOL. That is all for now. :)

Day Two: Wow...

2010-01-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

Wow.

Probably the most boring day I have ever had. Seriously. I really need a life otherwise I could go clinically insane.
I had the weirdest dream last night. In my dream, there was some dessert party at the institute (yay! right??), and everyone was there, except John because he was OBVIOUSLY on his mission. And we were having a great time. It was kinda numbing for everything else so it was nice. So then it's like 9:30 and I'm tired and I figure it's time to go. So I drive home and when I get there, I realize I totally left my purse and keys at the institute. Lol. How I DID that, I have no idea. So then I was like, crap I have to go back. But I got to pee first, so I'll take care of that. So I go inside, take care of bid'ness, and I ask Becca to come with me. But! I then realized that John and his companion were staying at my house. They LIVED with me. And I had heard them come in while I was doing my... thing. LOL. My dad is roaming the hall and I ask, "Oh is Elder Lee home?" and he answers that he just walked in. My dad leaves and evidently the missionarios were staying in my brothers room. So I walk in and its dark and they are in bed. So I ask "Elder Lee? Are you home?" and on the top bunk there is movement and I see a shadow sit up. He then says "Yea... Leave me alone, okay?" WOW. So I leave. Really upset. I mean, not only can I not BE with him for 2 years, but he is LIVING IN MY HOUSE and I can't even see him... WOW. Then something else happened, but for the life of me I can't remember.

I always have dreams like that. And they suck. Even when he was here, it was either he died, or was a total jerk and dumped me as he left/before he left/after he got home. Yea... my brain hates me.

So why am I so sad? Why do I randomly expect my phone to blast his ringtone? Why does it bother me to drive past his house? WHYYYY. I just want it to be normal. I want to be able to sit on MY COUCH and not think about the last time he was there. I want to be able to listen to John Mayer and not think about how much John loved to play that song, or how he looked playing that song, or how his jaw would always involuntarily open during a certain chord while PLAYING that song. I almost half expect him to come home in like a week. Is it bad I secretly have this evil desire for him to COME home? I told him that if he came home early I would NOT be available to him. I kinda want to take that back. If he came home I would GLADLY be available to him. I would repsect him for it. But how selfish am I. I don't know if I can go through 2 years of this... I've already done this once before! NO girl should ever have to do this, even ONCE!! Let alone twice! What the heck was I thinking...

Gosh its not even like he DUMPED me or anything. He loves me. SO WHY IS THIS SO HARD. I miss him... crap I need to get out. No really... I took a nap today, and before I fell asleep, I was going through my camera and looking at all my pictures and videos of him and me. Man I love him. I kid you not, I dreampt (sp?) of his smile. It was the clearest thing in my head when I woke up. And I was happy for a second. Then I thought of how long I'd have to go before I could see that smile forming... Sorry I'm super depressing. LOL.

It shouldn't be like this!! There has got to be some better way!!!

This made me feel better yesterday.. Why not today?

Again, I am terribly sorry for how massively depressing this is... I need someway to say it. But I know that if I actually verbalize all this, I'll pretty much cry for 4 hours. Give or take. And I'm doing so good with my crying! No crying! Literally a tear here and there. But that's it.

Wow I need to stop... LOL. On a happy note, tomorrow is a new day?? Can't wait to go to sleep..... :/

Day One: Sucks So Far...

2010-01-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

So really, I've done this before. I really have; I swear.

So why the heck am I dying with boredom?!?

Good question, I dare say. I had no idea I had become this boring. Since when am I boring?? Since when?? I think it's a sign, yes a sign that I really gave him everything.

Why did I do that? Oh yea. I love him.

Hm. That's a pretty dang good reason. I'm a pretty smart person. I can handle it. Because I've done this before. Really, I swear.

So my next move? I'm making a list. Yea, that's right, a freaking list. What? I can do whatever I want to. I'm a girl who's in a tad more pain than you are. I'm allowed. Now what should I list...? I could list the reasons I'm waiting... nah maybe on a day i'm kinda doubting it. I could list all the things I want to do with my time... I don't even know if I'll have time to spend on such things. I could list the best scriptures that could help me deal with this... nope. Not feeling it. Okay. Be prepared because this could get ugly. The kind of ugly that makes you want to watch Hugh Grant films and consume massive amounts of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. But don't say that I didn't warn you.

Things I Love About Him

-He always makes me laugh

-He has the sweetest heart

-He makes everything feel better

-He has the best smile ever

-If I cry in front of him, I don't feel retarded.

-I can talk to him about ANYTHING

-I trust him more than anyone

-He has the best taste in music

-He's a charmer ;)

-He takes care of me when I'm sick

-He loves me even though I'm a tad controlling.. lol

-He still gives me goosebumps

-He treats me better than I've ever been treated

-He respects me and my space

-He talks openly about my period lol

-He is actually CURIOUS about my period :)

-He's temple worthy

-He's honest

-He keeps ME honest

-I constantly want to do anything I can for him

-He would do anything for me

-He isnt pushy

-He's on a mission. Even though it hurts a bit.

-His hugs make me feel like nothing can touch us.

-His kisses... period. Lol.

-The way he laughs. When he laughs, it's real

-The way he says my name.

-His Korean name.

-His family is AMAZING.

-He has a genuine heart.

-He has such a concern for my well-being.

and lastly...

I love that I can't go one day without him crossing my mind. Not just crossing, trapsing through, around and all over it. I just... love him.

He'll be back. And I can do it. :) I have to.

wow really?

2010-01-10T10:20:00.000-08:00

So today is the day... It's the last day I'll get to see John. Can I do this for the next two years? I mean, sure we'll have letters and such. But man, I was lonely the first time around. It was hard. I'm not even kidding. Always wondering if they're okay, if there is anything I can do to make it easier. On me AND him. I wish there was some way that I could just make time go a LITTLE BIT faster. Make it a goal more in sight than just two birthdays and two Christmas' away. MAN. here we go again....

Can I do it? Even if I can't... I will.

First Blog EVER!

2010-01-07T22:24:00.001-08:00

weird.... but um yea i'm tired sooo goodnight. lol