Day 100: True Love Waits

Has it really been that long??? I didn't even realize it had been 100 days until I sat down to write this post!! Only 635 more to go. I only have to do this 6 more times... and them some. Manageable, right? I think so. Or at least I'd like to think so... I can do it.

So today I just haven't felt much like doing anything. Today was one of those no-makeup-loose-jeans-huge-sweater days. Ever had those? I'm sure everyone has. I don't even feel like writing in here. I just did it because I realized I needed to. And it was day 100.


Remember in elementary school on the 100th day of school? Everyone would make posters with 100 something on it. Pennies, macaroni noodles, rice, pop corn kernels... All in the shape of the number 100. I feel like doing that today, but what should I use? I could use paperclips. Or I could use clippings from all the envelopes I've gotten. But seriously? I probably won't do that. LOL.


I've come to the realization that nothing is going to change about my family. They are going to stay the same annoying bunch that they always are. I can try to fit my way into their annoying ways and try to tolerate it, or I can just be totally and completely unhappy. I'm leaning more towards the latter option, but I know that would make me a masochist and a glutten for punishment. Eh.


THE ONLY THING that seems to bring me any kind of pleasure or relief from life right now is reading. My favorite book of all time, The Time Traveler's Wife. SOOO GOOD. I love the triumph of love over time, and the amazing relationship that builds so unconventionally. I find myself relating to Clare Abshire more than I can relate to another acutal person. LOL. But isn't that what novels were written for? For you to relate to characters in ways you can't relate to real life? I love the dynamics of their relationship (Henry and Clare), and I love that their love survives MORE than just years, weeks, days, hours and minutes apart. THAT is true love. True love waits, and not only in the cliche'd way everyone thinks. True love WAITS. Amen, Audrey Niffenegger. Amen.

Day 91: Thoughts For Your Soul

As much as I love writing in here, sometimes my words aren't enough to calm my own mind. Here are a few quotes that have changed my life, and will likely change yours. :)

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.--Sam Keen

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.--Helen Keller

Keep away from small people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.--Mark Twain

Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.--Kenny Rogers

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.--Karen Kaiser Clark

We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.--Mary Antin

Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day.--John Mayer

Of course we're Christian. The very name of the church declares that. The more people see us and come to know us, the more I believe they will come to realize that we are trying to exemplify in our lives and in our living the great ideals which (Jesus Christ) taught.--Gordon B. Hinckley

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.--John Maxwell

A woman can't be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can't do it by herself.--Marilyn Monroe

And my personal favorite from a man who is simultaneously a genius and an Arrogant Albert,

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's OK though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, hey girl, magenta! and she's like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, no - I want magenta!--John Mayer

Day 84: Family: Isn't It About Time?

Yes I know that the title of this blog implies that I am about to tell you an amazingly adorable story from my family life that has brought us all together, but in fact it's quite the opposite. You see, I feel its "about time" for my beloved family to start being a more positive bunch, rather than the obnoxiously annoying bunch that they are. Don't get me wrong. They are wonderful. They are loving (at times). They have your back (again, sometimes). But really, folks? Really?
My parents seem to lack the ability to let their children grow up. Hiding the remote from the family was fine when the oldest was 10. Locking cabinets was okay when you had toddler's in the house. Placing a password on EVERYTHING in the house that could possibly use one, is terrific when you are worried about porn addictions and the like. Putting a curfew on each of your children, telling them that you never change things on them, then texting them an hour before their "new and improved" curfew goes in effect, is NOT okay.
My parents keep talking about how they want me to feel closer to the family; how I should feel that my "house is a haven from the outside world". Little do they know that in fact, the outside world is a haven from my house. I can't stand being with people who don't want me there anyway. And no matter how many times I talk to them about how I feel, it never changes. They still make snide remarks about "well why don't you just move out?" and "if you were more RESPONSIBLE..." blah blah blah. OKAY. Last I checked, I take care of a lot of things so they don't have to. I pay my bills, though it takes quite a bit of scrounging. I clean my messes, though usually someone just makes the same mess after me. I do what they ask me to, though that usually results in them telling me I don't do enough around the house. I focus my time and energy on finding a job, but when I am in the lingo period of waiting to hear back, they complain that I should get out of the house. THEN when I do, they change curfew on me, tell me I should do more around the house, and that I need a job... EFF. THIS. Just ONCE I would love for them to SAY what they mean and MEAN what they say.
Another example of how much my family REALLY wants me to feel a part of this "family", I scheduled a sit in with the City of Brea today, and was told that my family is going to the beach today. BUT that they would wait until 12 so that I could go. I wake up this morning, to find everyone in their suits, packing lunches and swapping towels. So you can understand, how confused I was when it was 9:00 and they were supossed to leave at 12:00. When I asked my mom about this, she said they had changed their mind and were leaving at 10:30---the time I was scheduled for my sit in. WOW. GREAT way to make me feel a part of this family, go to the beach for family day and NOT invite me.

And they wonder why I want to leave so much... oh I pity the fool.

Day 82: Sin Empathy

Today, I'm beginning to understand why people drink and party. I never got that before. Why the heck would someone look forward to a weekend of drunken stupor with physical and emotional damages attached? Why the heck would someone just drink until they couldn't anymore? I used to wonder these things, never hoping to know the answer. Now, I am starting to understand.

My day hasn't been bad. No, not bad enough to want to crawl into a hole and sleep until the "promise" of a NEW day begins. But bad enough that I do want to just forget. To do something so fun and crazy that I can somehow mask this hurting that is throbbing in my chest. I'm not one for over dramatic analogies, so you KNOW this is bad. LOL. I was watching this show, Mercy, and a bunch of nurses who deal with loads and loads of death and drama were getting wasted one night. And you know what? They looked happy. For those few split seconds of that scene, they looked happy. Even though one's dad was diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's and her marriage was falling apart, one was dealing with a suicidal patient that was beginning to lose control of her body, and the other was dealing with loneliness issues of being the "new girl" in a Jersey hospital. They looked happy. They laughed, they flirted, they danced, and they. Looked. Happy.

That's when it clicked. How I partially wish I could just feel that sappy numbness for a while. I wish I could go to a club, have a few drinks, get a little buzzed and be totally and completely forgetful. And while I'm not crazy, and know that it only hides the throbbing until you start vomiting in the morning, just those few moments of blissful ignorance seem so enticing. I want to get lost in a droning beat. I want to get lost in a shot or two. I want to get lost OUTSIDE my own head and heart.

But alas, I am just a girl with morals and values that exceed my fantasy of forgetful bliss. What's a girl to do?

Day 78: Something Fun :)

1. What television character do you identify with?


Thats actually kinda difficult for me to answer, seeing as I don't really watch TV on a regular enough basis to identify with anyone. LOL. But off the top of my head, I would have to say Rachel Berry from Glee. She's a religious-quirky-controlling-demanding-"persuasive"-motivated performer with high standards for herself and those around her. She rubs people the wrong way, but generally is just looking out for them. Half the "crazy" things she does, I empathize with. LOL. Sure, she has high aspirations. But in the end, she just wants to be loved. :)



2. Describe your morning routine


Wake up, scripture study, sleep again :), breakfast (only sometimes... THAT needs to change, I know), chores, write a letter..... wait for a job to call me. LOL. BORING life, I'm trying to change that.




3. How do you do lunch? Bring from home or dine out? Same thing every day or mix it up?

Seeing as I'm at home every day for lunch... LOL. But when I was at school, I would bring my lunch. And if you brought a pb&j sandwhich, you were boring. Really though, the cooler the lunch item, the more interesting you were. We all brought leftover meals from home. Or Lean Cuisine. MMM... My favorite to bring was the Seasame Chicken. DE-LISH.

4. What is one moment that, although seemingly trivial at the time, changed your life?

The moment I decided to share my music with the ward in our Talent Show. It was really last minute for me, and I wasn't even sure I wanted to do it, because it was the first time I was going to play my music for anyone who wasn't outside my closed bedroom door. Who knew, that playing that night, would cause the love of my life to actually work up the courage to talk to me, because now we had something in common. LOL. He approached me two days later and we started our friendship based soley on music. :) What a way to start a relationship, eh?

5. Name your top three beauty products.

1)Leave in conditioner. 2) Concealor. 3) Black mascara.

6. What do you do when you’re alone in the car?

Sing as loud as I can to whatever is on the radio, try to find different harmonies than the ones they're already singing. Oh, and I'll critique others driving habits... loudly. LOL.

7. What is the ideal city for you to live in?

That is a tough question that I really don't think I have enough experience to answer. But, I think I'd like to live in a safe city in SoCal. Does such a place exist? LOL. And yes, I know I didn't really answer the question.

8. Are you waiting for something?

It seems I am always waiting for something. Waiting for Glee to start back up, waiting for the mail, waiting for the weekend, waiting for a missionary... Waiting is a continual game that everyone plays.

9. What was the last shocking news you heard?

That my plans to move out may actually work. And sooner than November, no less!

10. What are three things you wouldn’t do for a million dollars?

1) Cut off any part of my body. 2) ANY immoral act (including things that go against my standards) 3) Drink anyones bodily fluid. Blood, urine, sweat, ect? NO WAY.

Day 73: Dreams. Please Go Away.

What do you do when you feel guilty while sleeping? So guilty in fact, that you wake up wanting to vomit. While I totally understand that dream cheating isn't cheating... its still disheartening to wake up and find that you're sad you've woken up.

Did I expect that I wouldn't ever be thinking about how attractive other guys are? HEAVEN'S no. I'm not so naive to think that somehow I, a 21 year old girl on the verge of many-a-mental-breakdown, would be exempt to natural laws of human nature. I DID however, expect to not have such an issue with stupid "dream cheating".

LAME. What I dream about can NOT be helped, and does NOT reflect my waking desires. So why am I freaking out, wanting to avoid all men? Maybe because being a dream-cheater is... enjoyable? Loathsome? Fun? Horrible? You decide. As for me, I'm going to live on No-Doze and caffeinated cola for this up-and-coming new fad my brain has decided to partake in. Thanks, brain. You always know just what to do to make me crazy.

Day 62: Best Way To Start A Week?

And the best way to start a week would be...... *drum roll please*..... A great lesson from the New Testament! Let me tell you about my day thus far. I woke up from a dream in which I was skinny! Not just skinny, but the perfect kind of skinny where you're thin, but still round enough to be sexy. It was amazing. And on top of that, I was best friends with Jessica Simpson because I was her trusted Assistant/Consultant. It was a really great dream. Not just for the fact that I was petite and friends with a superstar, but because I felt GOOD. I felt HEALTHY. And I felt BLESSED. It was a great dream, and a great motivator to get out of bed and run. So I had my whole-grain toast and I was out the door. I rode my bike to the institute, the whole time thinking how grateful I was that it was so nice out, and how pretty everything looked (had a great Relief Society lesson yesterday on the creation... can ya tell?? LOL). I always love lessons like that; the ones that make you realize just how BLESSED you really are.

I then chat with a fellow dieter/jogger and feel once again motivated to really go out and give the track a good pounding from my feet. LOL. IT. FELT. SO. GOOD. I know I already blogged about how much I am really enjoying being outside and exercising, but every time I get back out there every morning, I feel so much better. After my weekly weigh-in, I have discovered that I have lost 3 pounds!!! BEST FEELING EVER. Not only knowing that it is actually physically possible for me to lose weight, but also knowing that I WANT to do it some MORE! Lol. It seems like lately, I've been having all these motivating things happen to me. What makes this time so different? Why is it I actually feel like going out jogging everyday, no fail? Is it because I have put everything I have in the Lord? Which leads me to today's lesson. I had the "opportunity" to be in Brother Rosell's institute class today ALL BY MYSELF. Just me and the teacher. Some people may ask... "Why is that such an opportunity??" Well, because it gave me a greater feeling that I was literally hearing what I, ME, MYSELF, needed to hear. I trusted that he was allowing the Spirit to work through him, and indeed it was. He said he wasn't going to go through his prepared lesson, but was going to meander through a few chapters and verses here and there. We went through Luke 5, with Simon Peter being put as the main focus. I can't recall everything that was said or taught, but the one I do remember the most, was the end of the chapter, where Jesus is discussing a parable for the newly called disciples. He refers to a piece of new cloth not being able to patch old cloth, because it would ruin both pieces. And also new wine not being poured into an old bottle, because the bottle would burst and spill the new wine, therefore destroying both. Now normally, I read little parables like that and take them at face value, not really knowing what they mean. But after dissecting it with Brother Rosell, I was able to understand that he was actually talking about how the new Law of Christ can not patch the old Law of Moses. Because the two laws are very contradicting to each other. And he asked me, "How can we relate this to OUR lives? Not just the New Testament?" After some thought, I was reminded of how we, as humans, tend to cling to the old, and are not willing to commit to a change. And how Christ NEEDS us to change sometimes, so we can be presented with greater callings, bringing greater blessings. We, as the natural man, can not coexist with the person God wants us to be. We have to be willing to accept this new cloth or new wine. And in order to do so, we can not be "old" in our understanding of His gospel. This brought me to think about times in my life that I chose to either accept or turn down the new cloth/wine. I started thinking about my current situation of pride and being unforgiving. I've been trying harder to realize when I am actually guilty of this, and stopping dead in my tracks to change it. I have felt a greater purpose since attacking this fault head on, and I feel the Lord slowly pouring new wine into the new bottle I am creating. Coming to realize the change I am making and the change God wants for me coincides with the other is the greatest feeling. I just got my weekly email from John. I am soooo proud of that man. I love him soooo much. :) He is definitely one of those things that keeps me going, and helps me realize that there is a greater purpose for my life. All in all, this should be a great week. :) Let's see if it plays out that way. ♥