Day 185: Because I Said So

I always told myself I’d be the cool mom. The one that sneaks you a cookie when Dad isn’t looking. The kind of mom that would let you drive up the state just because “all your friends were doing it”. And while I have yet to become a mother, I am responsible for the care of three young boys. Wanna know what I caught myself saying to one boy today? You guessed it. “Because I said so.” Yikes. Dreams of being The Cool Mom? Dashed.

Day 181: Love and Stress

Today marks the 6 Month Mark of John's mission!! Only 18 more months to go! 3 more times of this. I can do that right? I look back at the last 6 months and I am amazed at how fast it really went... It kind of feels like he left like 2 months ago. Soooo maybe by the end of his mission it will feel like he only left like 8 months before? Who knows. Its all subjective, of course; depending on how sad and lonely I am. Sometimes it seems like it went by fast, sometimes it feels like I have forever left. Sometimes I have no doubts about being patient, and sometimes I freak out because it is SO FAR AWAYYYYYYYY. But ALL the time, I am filled with a feeling for him that can only be described as undying love. Call me cliche, and call me disgusting and mushy. But to call what I feel simply "love" is not enough. LOL. But moving on, I am proud to say that 6 months has passed, and he is doing extremely well. He is enjoying himself, loving the people, loving his companion, loving his roommates, tolerating the area, struggling with finding investigators, but overall, LOVING his mission. Oh, and loving ME. ;)

Stress has also come to hide in the corners of my mind. Stressed about school, about being able to afford it, the financial aide office's antics, moving out.... wah. Money is stressful. I hate money. I swear, if I had lots of it, I would be the happiest person ever. Does money buy happiness? No. But it definitely pays rent to happiness.

Someday, it will all be okay.

Day 168: Look, Ma! I'm Doin' It!

Thats right. I'm moving out. Scared as a freaking dog on 4th of July, of course. But I'm doing it.

That is all.

Day 151: Burning In My Soul

It's been a while, I know. I've been busy....ish. Lol. But I just realized there is something going on that I think is blog worthy.
With starting my new job of babysitting for three rambunctious boys, I've had more time to evaluate my life than I thought I would have. I find myself thinking about what I have done so far these past 22 years, what I had hoped I would have done by now, and what my new goals are. And amazingly, I find that my answer to each of those questions are completely different from the other. Not a good sign. Sure, goals change. Life happens. But somewhere in the hub-bub of me getting to this place in life, I haven't accomplished much. The only things I have done that I am actually proud of are graduate high school, graduate Cosmetology, get my Cosmetology License, annnd.... Fall in love? Get hurt? Have a "stupendous" relationship with my family? Yea, I think not.
My life has been a big blob of Blah thusfar, and I can't change that. But suddenly, every ounce of me burns for something more. Call me crazy, but I know I'm meant to do something more with my life. I'm meant to be great. At what, I'm not sure. But there is some part of me that knows I'm meant for more, and it won't let the other parts rest until that is a realized fact. Call it my inner-self screaming of my divine nature. Call it the human will to accomplish. But I'm not normal. I'm above that. I should be doing something great and beautiful and pleasing and fulfilling all at the same time! But what?!?
There is a scene in the movie The Holiday that I love (actually, the whole movie is made of scenes I love). There is this "has-been" screenwriter who the Guild wants to honor, but for months he has been ignoring their attempts to contact him. Finally, Iris (a WONDERFUL woman on holiday from a manipulative ex) convinces him he should allow himself to be honored. A crazy series of events happens between the convincing and the attending of this Night with Abott, but my favorite scene is when he actually arrives.
In the lobby there is no one but the ushers and a few movie posters. And the ushers let him know that everyone is waiting for him, and they open the door to the auditorium. And here comes this feeble man, with the biggest heart and smallest ego, walking into a crowd of cheers and smiles. The place is FILLED with people who love him and his work; with people he has touched in one way or another. And on his face you see the amazement of a man who didn't know his worth.
As I watch that scene, I know that I am meant to have that. Someday, I will touch the lives of others with my work, whatever that ends up being. I am meant for something greater than I am allowing myself to have at this moment. And my heart breaks knowing that I don't have enough faith in myself to let me have it. I have this urge to touch someones life in a way that will leave ME speechless and leave my face full of amazement.
But I promise you this: I will have that. I will be a success. And I will be somebody to be proud of.

Day 125: A Quick Game of Catch-Up

Wow. I have gone about 2 whole weeks without posting anything on here! Weirdest feeling ever. LOL.

A lot has happened. I got a surprise phone call from the most amazing missionary ever (I LOVE YOU, JOHN!!), I got a job, I lost a job, I lost weight, I gained weight, then lost it again, had tons of fun with friends, Disneyland, ect ect. I'm doing a good job of accepting things and moving on though! So lesson learned! LOL.


I caught myself reading the "Missing You" greeting cards at the grocery store today. They were cute and I thought multiple times about purchasing a few of them to send of sporadically. But I refrained. And I bought teeth whitening gear instead. LOL.


Well, I have an interview tomorrow, and maybe it will pull through. But I've learned that once I am meant to have a job, I'll find one that will stick and I will enjoy. Well, enjoy enough to care to keep it.


At the end of this transfer, John will be a quarter done with his mission. Only 3 more times, only 3 more times....... He's worth it. :)

Day 105: Motivation

We all need it. We all crave it. But what really gets you going? It could be the advice of a friend. Maybe that dress you just have to have. What about your high school reunion? It could be any of those things, but everyone has one of more reasons to get up and do what needs to be done. And I'm not just talking losing weight. It could be a long or short term goal. Maybe you need motivation at actually go to work that day. Or to make a phone call you've been putting off. Either way, to be motivated is arguably the best way to get things done.
In talking with a few friends in the past few days I realized that while I consider myself a very self motivated person (I usually don't need an outside force to push me to do something), in actuality I do need positive reinforcement. My goal of losing 60 pounds has been a long standing one, that changes as my weight fluctuates. I've dieted most of my teens and into my twenties with no lasting results. I want THIS time to be the LAST time.
So here is my list of things that get me moving and feeling good about my goal. I encourage everyone to have a list like this, as it seriously brings so much strength to your plans. After making this list, you can't just wish your goal away. You now have set it in motion.


1. Confidence

I'm a confidant person. I know what I want and how I'm going to get it. But sometimes, I let my weight push me around. I don't participate in activities that I feel like a fat-chick doing. I enjoy most sports, but I don't play with people who are skinnier than me. That's my deal, I know. But I always worry what others will think or see if I play with people who actually look like they know what they're doing. I want to play volleyball. I have so much fun playing, but can never work up the strength to actually get out and play, because who wants the fat-chick on their team? While I realize that wanting to be thinner should NOT limit what I participate in, it does.

2. Little White Dress

I want to look good on my wedding day. The End. Everyone wants this. I just know that white isn't a great color on me as it is, and I want to look stunning in my pictures. I want to look back and be totally happy with my image. I don't want to be ashamed of showing my daughter my wedding pictures. I want to take the cute picture of John carrying me across a lawn. I want him to have his arms around me from behind and not push everything UP and OUT. I want to feel beautiful, and feel like I have earned the privilege to FEEL beautiful on my wedding day.

3. Future Family

I want my kids to be proud of their mom. I want them to be able to say to their friends, "Yes, my mom is pretty, isn't she?" I know how kids are. I know how they think. I know how they talk. I used to talk crap on friends mom's who were larger. I know how much it hurt my friends when they found out what I had said. I don't want my kids to have that happen to them. I don't want to have them come home from kindergarten and have them cry "Sally said my mom was fat." It would hurt them, and it would hurt me. I want to be able to run with them, play with them, and shop with them. I want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I want to be an active person in their life, and show them how important it is to take care of yourself. I want to be old and feel young enough to be with my grandkids. I don't want to be like my own grandmother, sentenced to a chair for the rest of her life. I don't want to be addicted to food and be depressed because of it. I want to live a long and healthy life.

4. My Body Is A Temple

Now, I don't want you thinking that I am a horribly depressed girl who hates herself. I love myself. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I know I am attractive. I just want to better myself as a person and as a Daughter of God. I know its cliche, but it's true. My body is a temple, given to me on the condition that I take care of it. What better motivation than that? I NEED to take care of this beautiful creation that God intended for me and me alone. If God knows I can take care of my body, than I know I can.

All in all, this goal of mine can be reached. I know it, you know it, and God knows it. Why not make it a reality this time around?

Day 101: Makes Me Feel Better.

Come on, you all have things you love to do that make you feel better. Everyone does. And this is my favorite to do right now.... LOL.

Watching Lindsay Lohan Unravel

FACE IT. She's a train wreck. One that I absolutely love to see happen. Watching her slowly (actually... not all that slowly...) slide into celebrity oblivion brings me that same satisfaction I imagine an after-sex-cigarette would bring. It's beautiful and relaxing. She got fired from ANOTHER movie? Great. She went into rehab HOW MANY times? Fantastic. She's just one of those timeless no-show celebrities that make you stare and think HAHA YOU FAMOUSLY RICH SKELETON! Yes, she's a person, too. She's got feelings. BUT if she really cared what people thought about her, she should probably sober up and realize she's a mess. But oh how that mess makes me happy. :) Poor poor now-broke celebrity. Her and Nicholas Cage should swap stories and share their scars together. LOL.

Does that make me a horrible person for loving another's demise? Probably. But for now, it makes my life seem a little better. :)