Day 327: I Choose Excitement

ALRIGHT FOLKS!! We are nearing that coveted year mark! I received some EXCITING/disheartening news last week!! John's release date is in the middle of transfers. And since he can't leave mid transfer, he has two options!!! He can either come home 3 WEEKS EARLY, putting him home in my arms on Dec 27 2011 (TWENTY-ELEVEN!!), orrrr.... 3 weeks later on Feb 8 2012. Ultimately, I think it's up to the mission President, but from talking to a few RM friends, they said that most time the President leaves it up to the missionary. So, I have yet to find out what John would choose to do, but I'll update once I hear what is gonna happen. When I have told some people the happy news, mostly their response is "Why are you so excited? He could be coming home later..." and MY reply is "I choose excitement." :) Because even if he were to choose to stay later, though I'd be a little bummed, I'd be happy because he loved his mission that much. And because really, whats 3 weeks more? But obviously, 3 weeks LESS is much easier to swallow. ;)

Picture time!!!

Just look at this cutie-pie. :) Who wouldn't want him home 3 weeks earlier?

19 days til the Christmas phone call!!! AND! If he comes home December next year, I'll get to talk to him 2 DAYS before he comes back!!!! Awesome!

Day 319: Holiday Happiness

The holidays are gonna be amazing. Seriously.

I am so in love with the holiday season, and it all starts with Halloween. Halloween is a fun holiday, and one that I spend getting a little dressed up, watching the kiddies gather candy, and going to parties and the like. I always like to look at the little families who dress in costume themes. This year, I saw a Star Wars family. It was adorable. Complete with an R2D2 baby, Luke and Leah brother and sister, and a Hans Solo mom and Chewie dad. SUPER CUTE. And while I try not to make everything about a family, I just loved to watch them and imagine what costume themes I would come up with in my future family. It makes me smile and I enjoy the happy thoughts, so I let it happen. LOL.

Thanksgiving is a day typically filled with mountains of food and dessert, and is looked forward to by brothers of mine for the reason of being able to go back for 5ths and 6ths. Of course, who doesn't enjoy eating lots and lots of amazing food! I certainly do lol. But this year, I was more excited about being with my family. This is my first holiday season being out on my own. And I love my family and have found a new friendship that I get to enjoy with them. :) So this year, as I was sitting in our family car driving over the river and through the woods to my aunt's house, I was filled with so much love and peace and thankfulness. I had a great day enjoying all my family's company, and to be honest, I wasn't even sad that day! Sure, I kept thinking about how much fun it will be when John is able to join us on these big family gatherings, but I was happy and content being WHEN I was instead of 2 years in the future. So that was a big thing for me :)

CHRISTMAS is 27 days away.... Can you believe it?!!? AND last night after play practice (blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... ) Roomie and I went to Jo-Ann's to buy some Christmasy things for a little home, and I bought a big girl Christmas decoration!!!! A TREE!! :-O!! It's only 4 feet tall, but perfect size for our humble apartment. And that little 4 foot contraption of lights and fake pine unleashed the Christmas monster for the season. The rest of the night was full of squeals and giggleing and "fa-la-la-la"ing, much to the EXCITMENT of my friends. ;)

All in all... I'm in the mood for some holidays. :) YAY!!!!

Day 306: Warning ... This Is Pathetic.

So I felt like blogging when I woke up, I felt like blogging during sacrament, I felt like blogging when I came home, I felt like blogging 10 minutes ago, but I do NOT feel like blogging now that I am actually sitting here TO blog. Wah. Oh well. I will say what I wanted to say all day.

For a few days now I have been hoping to have a dream about John. Pathetic? Yes. But I don't care. I just wanted to see him and interact with him for a little while. How sad is it that I really looked forward to going to sleep just in the hopes that I would see him? Wow... LOL.

Okay no one should follow me as a blogger anymore... lol. So anyways... Lo and behold, last night it happened. I was watching some videos on his SD card and fell asleep, and he was there!! I won't describe the dream (even though I really want to... lol) because then I would sound like freaking Depresso Bella when she does crazy things just to hear Edward's voice. But it was very possibly the best dream I have ever ever ever had. And then of course every dream ends, and I had to wake up. SAAAAAAAAD DAY ALLLLLLLLL DAY FOR REALS. The moment I woke up, I just laid there trying to remember everything that happened. But man, for those few hours I was asleep, I was so happy to have him back. :)

Did this dream make it super hard to go on with my day? Um.. THAT would be an understatement. Today, it seriously took all I had not to arrange a trip to Concord, CA. It has taken everything in my to not write him and tell him I need him. But this is my life lately. What else can I do but live it for the next 429 days? Nothing. Oh well.

Look. I'm sorry that these posts are super whiny. But when I can't verbally express them, I have to somehow. And sometimes its just nice to type and not have someone talk to me about it and tell me how I need to suck it up or get over it. Screw that. I'd rather say what I need to on a blog that I set up specifically for this purpose; to type it out so I don't vomit sadness all day. So I apologize. If anyone knows of a way to make certain posts private, let me know please. That way I can use that feature more often. LOL.

All in all...... 429 more days of waking up with the crushing feeling of WAKING up. That's a little more than half... It's do-able.

Day 302: Black Holes and Revelations

I MISSED DAY 300!!!! AGGG! I need to be on top of this.... 54 DAYS UNTIL THE HALF WAY MARK!!! YAYYY!! Now moving on to my real topic...

My life's moments are separated into two categories: Black Holes and Revelations, thus the title. Black Holes are obvious. They are a waste of time and energy, are marked by futile attempts to STOP thinking about how much of a Black Hole it is, have negative repercussions to my minds willpower, and they suck every ounce of hope I had in me at that moment. Revelations can only be the opposite, and are good moments that usually lead to a learning opportunity. They are moments that lead me to realize full potential of myself or of my surroundings, are spiritual glimmers given at the perfect space in time, and have a MUCH longer lasting effect than my Black Hole moments. Now SOMETIMES, moments may fall into the Venn Diagram area of these two categories, and can be both Black Holes AND a Revelation. THOSE moments, are ones that are much less than pleasant, but also I receive a firm witness that it happened for my benefit. Moments may not move into the Venn area until later in time, thus being TRUE life lessons. Now why did I go through and explain my now-dead analogy? Because yesterday, I had 2 moments that fit into each different category, which rarely happens for me, so I wanted you all to understand how cool that was. LOL. And as much as I just set up that analogy ever so nicely, I am not going to be sharing those moments with you, because they are so sacred to me and are extremely personal. But I just wanted to share that they happened. And that because they happened, I had a great day 2 days in a row. :) Viva la vi.

One more thing before I go...... This man is amazing. The end. :) :) :)

Day 272: PDays and Perfection

Wasn't in a blogging mood at all until I sat here and thought about it. I should update, I thought. People think I'm depressed. Well my friends, in ADDITION to my new addition (see last post), I am writing again. :)

Thank you to T for calling me up today and writing that long comment (no really, thank you. :) ). I realize all of those things. But I appreciate it, nonetheless. I honestly felt like going for a run, rather than a walk, last night. But it being Sunday I couldn't lol. So I got up after blogging about it and went to my family's house to be surrounded by family and friends. Took my mind off it, but it still lingered of course.

It wasn't until my Monday PDay emails that my heart and head stopped aching from the stress and worry of stupidity and the like. Somehow, he always knows what to say. He loves me. For me. Amid the stress, the sin, the lack of motivation and sometimes tact, he loves me for me. And that, my dears, is why he is amazing. :)

I realize, life is an ongoing journey. Life is a mish-mash of feeling, heartache, failures and trial, but it is also a compilation of love, laughter, triumphs, and of blessings. We strive for perfection, knowing that our attempts aren't always perfect to us.

"He does not require perfection for us to do His will, but diligence. When all is said and done, we will not be judged on whether we were perfect, but on whether we we tried our best and whether we were diligent. If that is all that he requires, I am wasting my time worrying too much about perfection." Spoken like a true man. :)

Day 271: Selfish Whore

Today, I have decided, is not a great day. It's not terrible, it's not horrible. Just not great. I keep feeling I could be doing so much more. In a spiritual sense, in a sense of schooling, for John, for work... for everything. I feel extremely inadequate in all things right now. My stint at school has come to a complete stop, seeing as I lacked the time or gumption to complete assignments. I collected my financial aid, and just stopped caring. I might be doomed to be one of those moms who never finishes school.

And to top off those feelings of being the stupidest one of my friends, I am starting to feel like I don't deserve John. Wonderful, AMAZING John, who is out there serving the Lord and learning so much about the gospel. I. Don't. Deserve. Him. Why would I deserve to be with someone like that? Someone who is so selfless can't coexist with someone as selfish and mean hearted as I. But I feel utterly helpless at changing that. Every time I try, I fail. I'm a selfish whore. The end.

Man this post didn't even come out right. Its not fluid; just yet another mishmash of feelings. And it's depressing.... Wah.

I miss me. I miss the me I was with John.

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New addition:

I almost wish no one read this blog. Even though only 4 or 5 actually do, I still wish no one read this. I wouldn't feel so bad about being constantly depressed on here.

Thing is, I am not a depressed person. I just so happen to only feel like writing on here when I am feeling sad about something. Its a great stress reliever. Because, I cant talk to people about this. I don't want to. I don't want them thinking I need pity. I don't. I just want to talk about it sometimes. I started talking about this with someone this morning, and it was brushed aside. I think people think that I don't need talking time. I'm the one people talk TO, not with. I give advice. I am the listening ear. I have yet to find a single friend who is that for me. When I start talking about it it, somehow it becomes an opening for them to talk. Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that people trust me and my opinion enough to come talk to me about it. I like that they enjoy talking to me and value my friendship. But I need that too. I need someone to listen. So what do I do when I start to talk about my problems, and they take the chance to tell me about theirs? I don't do anything. I don't say a word. I let them talk, because that's what they need. I tell myself, I'll talk to them about it another time. I'll just talk them through their issue, and I'll be fine. Then, on the off chance they ask me after their story, "Oh, were you saying something about that?" I say, "No, not really," and I smile. But man, I have problems, too. And it takes me long enough to work up enough strength to admit to someone else that I have problems. And then they are brushed aside, again and again. Yet another reason I miss John. He cared.

So that, my friends, is why this blog is so full of lonely entries and saddened titles. Because I cant vocalize the issues. They must forever be immortalized on this blog that no one reads. I hope you understand.

Day 260: Quote of the Day

Dr. Meredith Grey: I don't know what to say to you.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: When Dylan died, when the bomb went off, did you feel, like...
Dr. Meredith Grey: What?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Like you were moving in slow motion?
Dr. Meredith Grey: He was there and then he wasn't. Like I blinked and he was gone.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back to when things were normal. When I wasn't "Poor Izzie" laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her- her dead fiance. But I am. So I can't. And I'm- I'm just stuck. And there is all this pressure cause everyone is hovering around me waiting for me to do something. Or say something, or flip out, or yell and cry some more and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't- I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don't know who this person is.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Izzie...
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? Where's Denny?
Dr. Meredith Grey: You're not alone Izz.



That is all. Thank you friends.