Day 168: Look, Ma! I'm Doin' It!

Thats right. I'm moving out. Scared as a freaking dog on 4th of July, of course. But I'm doing it.

That is all.

Day 151: Burning In My Soul

It's been a while, I know. I've been busy....ish. Lol. But I just realized there is something going on that I think is blog worthy.
With starting my new job of babysitting for three rambunctious boys, I've had more time to evaluate my life than I thought I would have. I find myself thinking about what I have done so far these past 22 years, what I had hoped I would have done by now, and what my new goals are. And amazingly, I find that my answer to each of those questions are completely different from the other. Not a good sign. Sure, goals change. Life happens. But somewhere in the hub-bub of me getting to this place in life, I haven't accomplished much. The only things I have done that I am actually proud of are graduate high school, graduate Cosmetology, get my Cosmetology License, annnd.... Fall in love? Get hurt? Have a "stupendous" relationship with my family? Yea, I think not.
My life has been a big blob of Blah thusfar, and I can't change that. But suddenly, every ounce of me burns for something more. Call me crazy, but I know I'm meant to do something more with my life. I'm meant to be great. At what, I'm not sure. But there is some part of me that knows I'm meant for more, and it won't let the other parts rest until that is a realized fact. Call it my inner-self screaming of my divine nature. Call it the human will to accomplish. But I'm not normal. I'm above that. I should be doing something great and beautiful and pleasing and fulfilling all at the same time! But what?!?
There is a scene in the movie The Holiday that I love (actually, the whole movie is made of scenes I love). There is this "has-been" screenwriter who the Guild wants to honor, but for months he has been ignoring their attempts to contact him. Finally, Iris (a WONDERFUL woman on holiday from a manipulative ex) convinces him he should allow himself to be honored. A crazy series of events happens between the convincing and the attending of this Night with Abott, but my favorite scene is when he actually arrives.
In the lobby there is no one but the ushers and a few movie posters. And the ushers let him know that everyone is waiting for him, and they open the door to the auditorium. And here comes this feeble man, with the biggest heart and smallest ego, walking into a crowd of cheers and smiles. The place is FILLED with people who love him and his work; with people he has touched in one way or another. And on his face you see the amazement of a man who didn't know his worth.
As I watch that scene, I know that I am meant to have that. Someday, I will touch the lives of others with my work, whatever that ends up being. I am meant for something greater than I am allowing myself to have at this moment. And my heart breaks knowing that I don't have enough faith in myself to let me have it. I have this urge to touch someones life in a way that will leave ME speechless and leave my face full of amazement.
But I promise you this: I will have that. I will be a success. And I will be somebody to be proud of.