Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 272: PDays and Perfection

Wasn't in a blogging mood at all until I sat here and thought about it. I should update, I thought. People think I'm depressed. Well my friends, in ADDITION to my new addition (see last post), I am writing again. :)
Thank you to T for calling me up today and writing that long comment (no really, thank you. :) ). I realize all of those things. But I appreciate it, nonetheless. I honestly felt like going for a run, rather than a walk, last night. But it being Sunday I couldn't lol. So I got up after blogging about it and went to my family's house to be surrounded by family and friends. Took my mind off it, but it still lingered of course.
It wasn't until my Monday PDay emails that my heart and head stopped aching from the stress and worry of stupidity and the like. Somehow, he always knows what to say. He loves me. For me. Amid the stress, the sin, the lack of motivation and sometimes tact, he loves me for me. And that, my dears, is why he is amazing. :)
I realize, life is an ongoing journey. Life is a mish-mash of feeling, heartache, failures and trial, but it is also a compilation of love, laughter, triumphs, and of blessings. We strive for perfection, knowing that our attempts aren't always perfect to us.

"He does not require perfection for us to do His will, but diligence. When all is said and done, we will not be judged on whether we were perfect, but on whether we we tried our best and whether we were diligent. If that is all that he requires, I am wasting my time worrying too much about perfection." Spoken like a true man. :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Day 271: Selfish Whore

Today, I have decided, is not a great day. It's not terrible, it's not horrible. Just not great. I keep feeling I could be doing so much more. In a spiritual sense, in a sense of schooling, for John, for work... for everything. I feel extremely inadequate in all things right now. My stint at school has come to a complete stop, seeing as I lacked the time or gumption to complete assignments. I collected my financial aid, and just stopped caring. I might be doomed to be one of those moms who never finishes school.
And to top off those feelings of being the stupidest one of my friends, I am starting to feel like I don't deserve John. Wonderful, AMAZING John, who is out there serving the Lord and learning so much about the gospel. I. Don't. Deserve. Him. Why would I deserve to be with someone like that? Someone who is so selfless can't coexist with someone as selfish and mean hearted as I. But I feel utterly helpless at changing that. Every time I try, I fail. I'm a selfish whore. The end.
Man this post didn't even come out right. Its not fluid; just yet another mishmash of feelings. And it's depressing.... Wah.

I miss me. I miss the me I was with John.

New addition:
I almost wish no one read this blog. Even though only 4 or 5 actually do, I still wish no one read this. I wouldn't feel so bad about being constantly depressed on here.
Thing is, I am not a depressed person. I just so happen to only feel like writing on here when I am feeling sad about something. Its a great stress reliever. Because, I cant talk to people about this. I don't want to. I don't want them thinking I need pity. I don't. I just want to talk about it sometimes. I started talking about this with someone this morning, and it was brushed aside. I think people think that I don't need talking time. I'm the one people talk TO, not with. I give advice. I am the listening ear. I have yet to find a single friend who is that for me. When I start talking about it it, somehow it becomes an opening for them to talk. Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that people trust me and my opinion enough to come talk to me about it. I like that they enjoy talking to me and value my friendship. But I need that too. I need someone to listen. So what do I do when I start to talk about my problems, and they take the chance to tell me about theirs? I don't do anything. I don't say a word. I let them talk, because that's what they need. I tell myself, I'll talk to them about it another time. I'll just talk them through their issue, and I'll be fine. Then, on the off chance they ask me after their story, "Oh, were you saying something about that?" I say, "No, not really," and I smile. But man, I have problems, too. And it takes me long enough to work up enough strength to admit to someone else that I have problems. And then they are brushed aside, again and again. Yet another reason I miss John. He cared.
So that, my friends, is why this blog is so full of lonely entries and saddened titles. Because I cant vocalize the issues. They must forever be immortalized on this blog that no one reads. I hope you understand.