Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Day 105: Motivation

We all need it. We all crave it. But what really gets you going? It could be the advice of a friend. Maybe that dress you just have to have. What about your high school reunion? It could be any of those things, but everyone has one of more reasons to get up and do what needs to be done. And I'm not just talking losing weight. It could be a long or short term goal. Maybe you need motivation at actually go to work that day. Or to make a phone call you've been putting off. Either way, to be motivated is arguably the best way to get things done.
In talking with a few friends in the past few days I realized that while I consider myself a very self motivated person (I usually don't need an outside force to push me to do something), in actuality I do need positive reinforcement. My goal of losing 60 pounds has been a long standing one, that changes as my weight fluctuates. I've dieted most of my teens and into my twenties with no lasting results. I want THIS time to be the LAST time.
So here is my list of things that get me moving and feeling good about my goal. I encourage everyone to have a list like this, as it seriously brings so much strength to your plans. After making this list, you can't just wish your goal away. You now have set it in motion.

1. Confidence

I'm a confidant person. I know what I want and how I'm going to get it. But sometimes, I let my weight push me around. I don't participate in activities that I feel like a fat-chick doing. I enjoy most sports, but I don't play with people who are skinnier than me. That's my deal, I know. But I always worry what others will think or see if I play with people who actually look like they know what they're doing. I want to play volleyball. I have so much fun playing, but can never work up the strength to actually get out and play, because who wants the fat-chick on their team? While I realize that wanting to be thinner should NOT limit what I participate in, it does.

2. Little White Dress

I want to look good on my wedding day. The End. Everyone wants this. I just know that white isn't a great color on me as it is, and I want to look stunning in my pictures. I want to look back and be totally happy with my image. I don't want to be ashamed of showing my daughter my wedding pictures. I want to take the cute picture of John carrying me across a lawn. I want him to have his arms around me from behind and not push everything UP and OUT. I want to feel beautiful, and feel like I have earned the privilege to FEEL beautiful on my wedding day.

3. Future Family

I want my kids to be proud of their mom. I want them to be able to say to their friends, "Yes, my mom is pretty, isn't she?" I know how kids are. I know how they think. I know how they talk. I used to talk crap on friends mom's who were larger. I know how much it hurt my friends when they found out what I had said. I don't want my kids to have that happen to them. I don't want to have them come home from kindergarten and have them cry "Sally said my mom was fat." It would hurt them, and it would hurt me. I want to be able to run with them, play with them, and shop with them. I want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I want to be an active person in their life, and show them how important it is to take care of yourself. I want to be old and feel young enough to be with my grandkids. I don't want to be like my own grandmother, sentenced to a chair for the rest of her life. I don't want to be addicted to food and be depressed because of it. I want to live a long and healthy life.

4. My Body Is A Temple

Now, I don't want you thinking that I am a horribly depressed girl who hates herself. I love myself. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I know I am attractive. I just want to better myself as a person and as a Daughter of God. I know its cliche, but it's true. My body is a temple, given to me on the condition that I take care of it. What better motivation than that? I NEED to take care of this beautiful creation that God intended for me and me alone. If God knows I can take care of my body, than I know I can.

All in all, this goal of mine can be reached. I know it, you know it, and God knows it. Why not make it a reality this time around?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Day 101: Makes Me Feel Better.

Come on, you all have things you love to do that make you feel better. Everyone does. And this is my favorite to do right now.... LOL.

Watching Lindsay Lohan Unravel

FACE IT. She's a train wreck. One that I absolutely love to see happen. Watching her slowly (actually... not all that slowly...) slide into celebrity oblivion brings me that same satisfaction I imagine an after-sex-cigarette would bring. It's beautiful and relaxing. She got fired from ANOTHER movie? Great. She went into rehab HOW MANY times? Fantastic. She's just one of those timeless no-show celebrities that make you stare and think HAHA YOU FAMOUSLY RICH SKELETON! Yes, she's a person, too. She's got feelings. BUT if she really cared what people thought about her, she should probably sober up and realize she's a mess. But oh how that mess makes me happy. :) Poor poor now-broke celebrity. Her and Nicholas Cage should swap stories and share their scars together. LOL.

Does that make me a horrible person for loving another's demise? Probably. But for now, it makes my life seem a little better. :)

Friday, April 23, 2010

Day 100: True Love Waits

Has it really been that long??? I didn't even realize it had been 100 days until I sat down to write this post!! Only 635 more to go. I only have to do this 6 more times... and them some. Manageable, right? I think so. Or at least I'd like to think so... I can do it.

So today I just haven't felt much like doing anything. Today was one of those no-makeup-loose-jeans-huge-sweater days. Ever had those? I'm sure everyone has. I don't even feel like writing in here. I just did it because I realized I needed to. And it was day 100.

Remember in elementary school on the 100th day of school? Everyone would make posters with 100 something on it. Pennies, macaroni noodles, rice, pop corn kernels... All in the shape of the number 100. I feel like doing that today, but what should I use? I could use paperclips. Or I could use clippings from all the envelopes I've gotten. But seriously? I probably won't do that. LOL.

I've come to the realization that nothing is going to change about my family. They are going to stay the same annoying bunch that they always are. I can try to fit my way into their annoying ways and try to tolerate it, or I can just be totally and completely unhappy. I'm leaning more towards the latter option, but I know that would make me a masochist and a glutten for punishment. Eh.

THE ONLY THING that seems to bring me any kind of pleasure or relief from life right now is reading. My favorite book of all time, The Time Traveler's Wife. SOOO GOOD. I love the triumph of love over time, and the amazing relationship that builds so unconventionally. I find myself relating to Clare Abshire more than I can relate to another acutal person. LOL. But isn't that what novels were written for? For you to relate to characters in ways you can't relate to real life? I love the dynamics of their relationship (Henry and Clare), and I love that their love survives MORE than just years, weeks, days, hours and minutes apart. THAT is true love. True love waits, and not only in the cliche'd way everyone thinks. True love WAITS. Amen, Audrey Niffenegger. Amen.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Day 91: Thoughts For Your Soul

As much as I love writing in here, sometimes my words aren't enough to calm my own mind. Here are a few quotes that have changed my life, and will likely change yours. :)

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.--Sam Keen

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.--Helen Keller

Keep away from small people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.--Mark Twain

Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.--Kenny Rogers

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.--Karen Kaiser Clark

We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.--Mary Antin

Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day.--John Mayer

Of course we're Christian. The very name of the church declares that. The more people see us and come to know us, the more I believe they will come to realize that we are trying to exemplify in our lives and in our living the great ideals which (Jesus Christ) taught.--Gordon B. Hinckley

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.--John Maxwell

A woman can't be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can't do it by herself.--Marilyn Monroe

And my personal favorite from a man who is simultaneously a genius and an Arrogant Albert,

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's OK though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, hey girl, magenta! and she's like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, no - I want magenta!--John Mayer

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Day 84: Family: Isn't It About Time?

Yes I know that the title of this blog implies that I am about to tell you an amazingly adorable story from my family life that has brought us all together, but in fact it's quite the opposite. You see, I feel its "about time" for my beloved family to start being a more positive bunch, rather than the obnoxiously annoying bunch that they are. Don't get me wrong. They are wonderful. They are loving (at times). They have your back (again, sometimes). But really, folks? Really?
My parents seem to lack the ability to let their children grow up. Hiding the remote from the family was fine when the oldest was 10. Locking cabinets was okay when you had toddler's in the house. Placing a password on EVERYTHING in the house that could possibly use one, is terrific when you are worried about porn addictions and the like. Putting a curfew on each of your children, telling them that you never change things on them, then texting them an hour before their "new and improved" curfew goes in effect, is NOT okay.
My parents keep talking about how they want me to feel closer to the family; how I should feel that my "house is a haven from the outside world". Little do they know that in fact, the outside world is a haven from my house. I can't stand being with people who don't want me there anyway. And no matter how many times I talk to them about how I feel, it never changes. They still make snide remarks about "well why don't you just move out?" and "if you were more RESPONSIBLE..." blah blah blah. OKAY. Last I checked, I take care of a lot of things so they don't have to. I pay my bills, though it takes quite a bit of scrounging. I clean my messes, though usually someone just makes the same mess after me. I do what they ask me to, though that usually results in them telling me I don't do enough around the house. I focus my time and energy on finding a job, but when I am in the lingo period of waiting to hear back, they complain that I should get out of the house. THEN when I do, they change curfew on me, tell me I should do more around the house, and that I need a job... EFF. THIS. Just ONCE I would love for them to SAY what they mean and MEAN what they say.
Another example of how much my family REALLY wants me to feel a part of this "family", I scheduled a sit in with the City of Brea today, and was told that my family is going to the beach today. BUT that they would wait until 12 so that I could go. I wake up this morning, to find everyone in their suits, packing lunches and swapping towels. So you can understand, how confused I was when it was 9:00 and they were supossed to leave at 12:00. When I asked my mom about this, she said they had changed their mind and were leaving at 10:30---the time I was scheduled for my sit in. WOW. GREAT way to make me feel a part of this family, go to the beach for family day and NOT invite me.

And they wonder why I want to leave so much... oh I pity the fool.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Day 82: Sin Empathy

Today, I'm beginning to understand why people drink and party. I never got that before. Why the heck would someone look forward to a weekend of drunken stupor with physical and emotional damages attached? Why the heck would someone just drink until they couldn't anymore? I used to wonder these things, never hoping to know the answer. Now, I am starting to understand.

My day hasn't been bad. No, not bad enough to want to crawl into a hole and sleep until the "promise" of a NEW day begins. But bad enough that I do want to just forget. To do something so fun and crazy that I can somehow mask this hurting that is throbbing in my chest. I'm not one for over dramatic analogies, so you KNOW this is bad. LOL. I was watching this show, Mercy, and a bunch of nurses who deal with loads and loads of death and drama were getting wasted one night. And you know what? They looked happy. For those few split seconds of that scene, they looked happy. Even though one's dad was diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's and her marriage was falling apart, one was dealing with a suicidal patient that was beginning to lose control of her body, and the other was dealing with loneliness issues of being the "new girl" in a Jersey hospital. They looked happy. They laughed, they flirted, they danced, and they. Looked. Happy.

That's when it clicked. How I partially wish I could just feel that sappy numbness for a while. I wish I could go to a club, have a few drinks, get a little buzzed and be totally and completely forgetful. And while I'm not crazy, and know that it only hides the throbbing until you start vomiting in the morning, just those few moments of blissful ignorance seem so enticing. I want to get lost in a droning beat. I want to get lost in a shot or two. I want to get lost OUTSIDE my own head and heart.

But alas, I am just a girl with morals and values that exceed my fantasy of forgetful bliss. What's a girl to do?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Day 78: Something Fun :)

1. What television character do you identify with?

Thats actually kinda difficult for me to answer, seeing as I don't really watch TV on a regular enough basis to identify with anyone. LOL. But off the top of my head, I would have to say Rachel Berry from Glee. She's a religious-quirky-controlling-demanding-"persuasive"-motivated performer with high standards for herself and those around her. She rubs people the wrong way, but generally is just looking out for them. Half the "crazy" things she does, I empathize with. LOL. Sure, she has high aspirations. But in the end, she just wants to be loved. :)

2. Describe your morning routine

Wake up, scripture study, sleep again :), breakfast (only sometimes... THAT needs to change, I know), chores, write a letter..... wait for a job to call me. LOL. BORING life, I'm trying to change that.

3. How do you do lunch? Bring from home or dine out? Same thing every day or mix it up?

Seeing as I'm at home every day for lunch... LOL. But when I was at school, I would bring my lunch. And if you brought a pb&j sandwhich, you were boring. Really though, the cooler the lunch item, the more interesting you were. We all brought leftover meals from home. Or Lean Cuisine. MMM... My favorite to bring was the Seasame Chicken. DE-LISH.

4. What is one moment that, although seemingly trivial at the time, changed your life?

The moment I decided to share my music with the ward in our Talent Show. It was really last minute for me, and I wasn't even sure I wanted to do it, because it was the first time I was going to play my music for anyone who wasn't outside my closed bedroom door. Who knew, that playing that night, would cause the love of my life to actually work up the courage to talk to me, because now we had something in common. LOL. He approached me two days later and we started our friendship based soley on music. :) What a way to start a relationship, eh?

5. Name your top three beauty products.

1)Leave in conditioner. 2) Concealor. 3) Black mascara.

6. What do you do when you’re alone in the car?

Sing as loud as I can to whatever is on the radio, try to find different harmonies than the ones they're already singing. Oh, and I'll critique others driving habits... loudly. LOL.

7. What is the ideal city for you to live in?

That is a tough question that I really don't think I have enough experience to answer. But, I think I'd like to live in a safe city in SoCal. Does such a place exist? LOL. And yes, I know I didn't really answer the question.

8. Are you waiting for something?

It seems I am always waiting for something. Waiting for Glee to start back up, waiting for the mail, waiting for the weekend, waiting for a missionary... Waiting is a continual game that everyone plays.

9. What was the last shocking news you heard?

That my plans to move out may actually work. And sooner than November, no less!

10. What are three things you wouldn’t do for a million dollars?

1) Cut off any part of my body. 2) ANY immoral act (including things that go against my standards) 3) Drink anyones bodily fluid. Blood, urine, sweat, ect? NO WAY.