Today, I have decided, is not a great day. It's not terrible, it's not horrible. Just not great. I keep feeling I could be doing so much more. In a spiritual sense, in a sense of schooling, for John, for work... for everything. I feel extremely inadequate in all things right now. My stint at school has come to a complete stop, seeing as I lacked the time or gumption to complete assignments. I collected my financial aid, and just stopped caring. I might be doomed to be one of those moms who never finishes school. And to top off those feelings of being the stupidest one of my friends, I am starting to feel like I don't deserve John. Wonderful, AMAZING John, who is out there serving the Lord and learning so much about the gospel. I. Don't. Deserve. Him. Why would I deserve to be with someone like that? Someone who is so selfless can't coexist with someone as selfish and mean hearted as I. But I feel utterly helpless at changing that. Every time I try, I fail. I'm a selfish whore. The end.
Man this post didn't even come out right. Its not fluid; just yet another mishmash of feelings. And it's depressing.... Wah.
I miss me. I miss the me I was with John.
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New addition:
I almost wish no one read this blog. Even though only 4 or 5 actually do, I still wish no one read this. I wouldn't feel so bad about being constantly depressed on here.
Thing is, I am not a depressed person. I just so happen to only feel like writing on here when I am feeling sad about something. Its a great stress reliever. Because, I cant talk to people about this. I don't want to. I don't want them thinking I need pity. I don't. I just want to talk about it sometimes. I started talking about this with someone this morning, and it was brushed aside. I think people think that I don't need talking time. I'm the one people talk TO, not with. I give advice. I am the listening ear. I have yet to find a single friend who is that for me. When I start talking about it it, somehow it becomes an opening for them to talk. Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that people trust me and my opinion enough to come talk to me about it. I like that they enjoy talking to me and value my friendship. But I need that too. I need someone to listen. So what do I do when I start to talk about my problems, and they take the chance to tell me about theirs? I don't do anything. I don't say a word. I let them talk, because that's what they need. I tell myself, I'll talk to them about it another time. I'll just talk them through their issue, and I'll be fine. Then, on the off chance they ask me after their story, "Oh, were you saying something about that?" I say, "No, not really," and I smile. But man, I have problems, too. And it takes me long enough to work up enough strength to admit to someone else that I have problems. And then they are brushed aside, again and again. Yet another reason I miss John. He cared.
So that, my friends, is why this blog is so full of lonely entries and saddened titles. Because I cant vocalize the issues. They must forever be immortalized on this blog that no one reads. I hope you understand.
hey selfish whore
ReplyDeletehow's it going today? i'm not very great at reading blogs, but your title intrigued me :) SO! You think you're a selfish whore? ok, so who isn't? well, we all are selfish at some point, that's part of self preservation and natural instincts... and that's ok. a couple of thoughts came to mind. #1 what just happened last saturday and sunday? General Conference! I'm sure it was a wonderful experience for you, etc. So now who is out to bring you down? Satan. Who is out to bring you down every single day? satan. of course... and that's just an ongoing battle. its the battle that makes you think you're not good enough for John. It's the battle that makes you feel of less worth than your friends... it's him who tells us we suck and we can't do everything we should be doing.
now, yeah, i'm sure there are so many things you ought to be doing that you don't get to in a day... and why is that? because you're human and sometimes we loose motivation and the umph that we need to get us through the day. and sometimes the spirit reminds us that we should be striving for excellence... but i don't think we should feel horrible when the whisperings come our way... rather we need to remind ourselves that we are worthy creatures and that we can do more...
having said that, its not always easy! i totally get down too and i don't want to read my scriptures and i dont want to get better, i just want to lay in bed and yeah, im lucky cuz Jared listens to me complain... and i totally get that you miss John, there's nothing like your man who loves you and listens to you. but here's a piece of advice. next time you feel like crap; make yourself get out of bed, couch, chair, whatever and go outside for a walk! grab your ipod and go for a walk! YOU NEED TO RELEASE ENDORPHINS! Breath fresh air and remove yourself from where you were having those thoughts. It's ok to go on a "think walk" but let every thought behind you as you walk. It helps me...
On another note, yes, John is wonderful and selfless! But you know what, it's easy being on a mission. You know what is expected of you and you just do it. It's nice having a set scripture study schedule and a general routine. It's safe. You only have one thing to worry about on your mission and that's obedience. You are also wonderful, and you can't forget it. You have been given so many talents, two of which are compassion and love.
There's so much more to say my darling, but alas, this is not my blog :)
I love you and think the world of you. It's totally ok to write out how you feel. Call me if YOU want to talk. I will listen :D