Day 47: Jealousy and Pride

So I'm probably one of the most prideful people you will ever meet. How sad is that? I'm not prideful in the way of me being better than everyone (although... generally this IS the case... LOL. Just kiddin', folks). But I am prideful in always being right. And I am always right. LOL.

After the fireside last night with Dr. Taylor Hartman (author of The Color Code), I have become aware of my pride. I always knew I was prideful, don't get me wrong. But I thought I was only in the way of thinking that only I can help my own situations. I hate accepting help; absolutely hate admitting to myself that I may need more help than I can provide myself with. But after listening to this very wise man discuss the different faucets of pride, I learned that I am also guilty of prideful unforgiving. There are people in my life I deem unworthy of my forgiveness. And therefore I hold onto my grudges and continue to hate them for the rest of their existence in my life. AND even though I am now aware of this sin, I continue to hold on to it. IS there a way of forgiving someone of their misdeeds but still being totally turned off by them? Can I do that; forgive someone but still hate being around them and their stupidity?

If anyone has an answer, I thought it would be my mother. So I asked, after discussing the situation in which I am currently struggling. And her answer, was yes. She stated that I should forgive them in their social shortcomings, but also in doing so, should avoid contact with them as much as I could. I asked her if that was what Jesus would do in this situation? And she said that sometimes, there are people you just can't be around because of clashing personalities. "It's better to avoid the feeling of contention rather than bring it about by trying to NOT bring it about." But would Jesus want me to avoid this person? I would be very curious if Jesus ever was annoyed by certain people. Like did He ever think, "UGH. Those Pharisees should really just crawl into a hole"?

I am also VERY guilty of jealousy today. PEOPLE KEEP GETTING MARRIED AND ENGAGED. I am very happy for their situations, but am very jealous of their happiness. I keep thinking, why are THEY allowed to be happy and engaged and I must sit here in sacrament alone. Why do I have to be subjected to the backscratching-hand-holding-ring-wearing couples. Believe me, Jealousy does NOT look good on me. It usually results in running mascara and used up Kleenex's. So as I sat in sacrament, sans-boyfriend, I opened my heart in the most sincere prayer I could muster in the audience of a chapel full of people. And you know what? It still hurt, but I instantly remembered a scripture. "[My daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." And while I was still tearing up every now and then, I knew Someone was there listening to me, and sympathizing with my soul.

Gotta love the peace this knowledge brings. ♥

Day 42: NEW MUSIC THAT I LOVE

Dude. Check these guys out. They're called The Script and this song is called "Breakeven" I LOVE THEM. If I could figure out how to post the stupid video on here, I totally would. BUT I guess I just ain't smart enough for that. LOL.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.youtube.com%252Fwatch%253Fv%253D9yZ1uI5yPbY&h=4dac182a948af66433c77256cdfa967e&ref=mf


Got an email from John yesterday. That was soooo nice. But why do I still feel like this is going to take forever? Its been a little over a month and for a bit, I was telling myself This is gonna be a cakewalk. Yea well...... LOL. It's not hard in the sense that I don't want to wait for him anymore. It's hard in the sense of BEING away from him like this. I'm used to depending on him for some semblance of sanity in my life; some good advice and a good ear. Of course I can talk to other people, but it's not really the same. Its different. I mean, sure I'm fine. I'm not depressed. I just miss my best friend.

Day 41: Dreams, Death and Distress

My sleeping brain officially hates me. I have been having too many horrible dreams for my own sanity's sake. Dreams of death, disaster, and hatred keep flitting their way into my open mind while and I sleep. And what do I have to say to those nasty little buggers???

SCRAM.

UGH. I feel like I should have something more to write about... But I dont. Just one of those days I guess.
Wah.

Day 38: HIS VOICE, HIS VOICE!!

He sent me the recorder back!! I got it yesterday... oh my gosh I have missed hearing his voice sooo much! I was starting to forget....


I. LOVE. THAT. MAN. OF. MINE.

We're getting married. And you're all invited. :)

Day 28: Valentine's Is Fast Approaching.

So yesterday I spent ALL morning in the kitchen as a "real woman" should. I made a ton of Valentine's junk food to send off to John. And suprisingly, I had a really fun time. I didn't mind baking all day. I didn't mind annoying cookie cutters. I didn't mind frosting stuck to my fingertips. I didn't even mind the red food colored palms I had afterwards. Because the whole time I kept thinking "John is going to love this. John is going to LOVE this." And that made it all worth it. :0) Oh the things I will do for that man. I kept thinking, You know, I could totally see myself in our kitchen making a hot meal. He comes home from work totally excited to see me. Gives me a huge hug and asks how my day was. We talk for a bit and then the timer goes off and I rush to get my culinary masterpeice from the oven. The table is set, we bless the food, and have a nice dinner. I know that is so cliche, and I realize that scene is not for everyone. Some women would like it to be the other way around. SHE comes home to the hubby ready with a hot meal, ect. And I used to think that way, too. I wanted that life for myself. But being with John has made me realize just how much I want to be a stay-at-home-mother and wife. I want to mother my children and be the best wife I could ever possibly be. I WANT that 50's family relationship where Father comes home to Mother makin' dinner and the kids comin' home from school and emptyin' their lunch boxes. Of course TV makes it different than it ever will be, but "gee golly" who says I can't have that? Who says I can't strive to make that a reality? Ever since I was a little girl I've always known I was going to be a wife/mother first, businesswoman second. And I feel that is the best route for me.

Just you watch. My life can become what I want it to be. That two story home with the white-picket fence? The golden retriever who's name is Buddy? That Saturday morning where my kids are watching television eating Coco Puffs? Its mine. And when it is, I will proudly and joyously call it my own. Just you watch.

Day 24: Oh COME ON.

SOOOO. This week has been full of surprises...

Mainly, texts from the ex who still can't get OVER it!! Wow, really?? It was over a year ago, and you're still begging me to come back?

I dumped you a year ago, found a better me, a better life, and an AMAZING boyfriend and you STILL aren't over it?

I dumped you a year ago, you found a job, took a few classes, got yourself a ...new girlfriend and you STILL AREN'T OVER IT.

I. PITY. YOU.

Can you please move on with your life so everyone else around you can?

And now moving from that topic, last night I was reading in my old journal. It was nice to be all nostalgic and stuff, until I started reading entries from when John almost broke up with me. I was so confused and hurt and sad that somehow, I was able to transfer ALL those emotions onto the page. So it was like... I was sucking all that emotion OUT of the page and into myself. I had to keep reminding myself "That was 8 months ago. Things are different. He loves you and wants to marry you. Keep it together." And keep it together, I did. Though it was probably the hardest thing to do at the time. NEVER read old entries about sad times. NEVER AGAIN.

It's the weekend finally! YAY! And I got a letter yesterday with a handful of pictures!! Can I just say that my boyfriend is freaking HOT! And now even more so with the tag.... Oh what a cutie patootie. ♥

Day 20: Sometimes, Maybe, Okay Yes.

Do I ever think about our wedding??

*insert title here*

Mannnnnnn. Two freaking years. And it didn't help that our whole Relief Society was all about the temple yesterday. Wah. It got me all excited to receive my endowment, and that won't even happen for a long time. WAAH. BOO freaking WHO.

I really miss him. A lot. I got another letter, and right before he closed it out he said "Jess, know that you are the most loved girl on earth. I love you."

Aw John I love you too. :) Come home soon. I need you.