Day 260: Quote of the Day

Dr. Meredith Grey: I don't know what to say to you.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: When Dylan died, when the bomb went off, did you feel, like...
Dr. Meredith Grey: What?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Like you were moving in slow motion?
Dr. Meredith Grey: He was there and then he wasn't. Like I blinked and he was gone.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back to when things were normal. When I wasn't "Poor Izzie" laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her- her dead fiance. But I am. So I can't. And I'm- I'm just stuck. And there is all this pressure cause everyone is hovering around me waiting for me to do something. Or say something, or flip out, or yell and cry some more and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't- I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don't know who this person is.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Izzie...
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? Where's Denny?
Dr. Meredith Grey: You're not alone Izz.



That is all. Thank you friends.

Day 251: Fall Feelings

What is it about fall that gets you right in the heart? Why, when the leaves change and the weather cools and the air gets crisp, does your heart immediately hurt upon smelling your first sniff of autumn air? Fall has always been known as the Season of Change, and its amazing how it really does become just that. Its something in the air... It makes you feel good and bad at the same time. Happy and sad all rolled into one. Ugh. Feelings. Before I get into it, I apologize to anyone who actually does read this. I use this more as a journal than a blog...
I was talking to a friend tonight, and he casually reminded me that being out almost 9 months isn't that far into 24 months... Eff my life. Thank you for reminding me of a fact that I live with everyday.
I honestly wish I could tell him to come home sometimes. I know I sound super ridiculous right now, but this is the only place I'm allowed to write this down and not have to write a "jk" after. Because really... I'm NOT "jk". I'm completely and utterly serious. COME. HOME. NOW. Eff sacrifice. Eff strength. Eff blessings. I. WANT. JOHN.

Day 245: Mish-Mash

Hey look! It hasn't been a month since my last post! Only 5 days! That's good for me! Yipee!

I got the job at the children's daycare center! I start on Friday and I am actually really excited! I honestly am feeling like childcare could be my career. I really enjoy working with children and I actually feel fulfilled in doing it. I have a hands on influence on these children's lives, and I help mold their futures. :) But of course, I am not going to give up on my music as a career option. If my "recording producer" would actually be in town for longer than 10 minutes, I can get going on that. LOL.

Speaking of, Jason is in San Fran right now on a business errand until tomorrow morning. I was going to give him a package to deliver to John, but alas, he flew straight from his va-kay in Hawaii to San Fran. So instead, he is going to try and look up John's number and see if he can take the Elders out to dinner. I love my friends and their want to help out my boyfriend. :) I'm excited for him, but mostly jealous. Who am I kidding, I'm all the way jealous. I wanna see my boyfriend. LOL.

I'm feeling artsy right now. I sat down to write a new song, but all I got was the first verse and the chorus progression. I need to sit and actually write some lyrics now.... But I need to get back in the mood I was feeling when I started strumming out the progression. The progression sounds a little "confused" and right now all I am feeling is "excited". Maybe I'll go back and start writing right now...

Will someone please tell me why the heck boys are deciding now that I am worthy of a chase?? They prey on my loneliness. You fight dirty, you crazies.

Day 240: Hello Again, Old Friend

Wow, its been a really long time since I've been on here. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? You are so dependent on something, then things get crazy and you easily forget about it. Well, certain things. LOL.
Okay. I need a new job. I just went to pick up my measly paycheck and even the ATM didn't like the numbers on the check. Honestly, I love the family and kids I work for, but I need to take care of myself. I need to have a stable schedule with stable hours. They promised me full time work, and for the past month I have had like a 1/4 of that amount of work. I have an interview scheduled for Monday, but I am scared to tell the family. I told them that I have a mandatory class meeting on Monday morning, but I feel terrible. Then the mom went on to say how much she loves having me with her kids and how she wants to keep me even past when I get married... wth am I supposed to do with that info?? Let it fester and boil until I cry from guilt? Thing is, I have tried telling them that I need more hours and they said they would get me more. So I wonder if I am jumping the gun. But do I really want to chance my pay to an occasional wind? Lets list the pros and cons....

PROS
I can do school-work at work
5 second commute
The kids are adorable
I create the rules and schedule for the kids
I love the kids
I love working with children
Its good practice of running my own home with a family

CONS
Not a stable schedule
Not a stable check
The house is disgusting
I can't get the oldest to do anything other than video games
I am working in a bad-ish area
I have to work in a gross kitchen
When the kids are sick, I get sick
The kids have no discipline in their life with parents, so I start new each day
When I attempt to scrub the house, I come back the next day to the same state it was in when I started to clean it.

Yea what does one do with that list? Now I just feel all the more confused... It really is just up to me I guess. Can I deal with the con's of this job? Or would I rather look elsewhere for another job that I CAN handle the con's of. In the end, the money issue keeps coming up. Because no matter how much I love these kids or the convenience of the job, it all comes down to whether I can AFFORD to keep this job. Should I bring this up to the parents and ask for more money? I already feel like I am putting them out money-wise... And it sucks because I honestly feel like I am doing more of a favor to them than WORKING for them. UGH. I. HATE. DECISIONS.
Another thing I feel I have to decide, is wth I want to do with my life. I have so many interests, and I feel like that is more of a hindrance than a good thing. Do I want to open a baking business? Do I want to teach elementary education? Do I want to teach vocal performance? What will fit best with my goals of marriage and family? Easily, all of them could fit. But its a matter of wanting to find a career before I have children, rather than trying to still figure it out when my child is 3 years old. That's how I am. I am constantly looking for something stable and sure... Oh shoot just got inspired...
All in all, this past blog break has proven to be fruitless and stressful. I feel better now having had written this all down somewhere and gotten it out of my head. Oh Blogger, your therapy is amazing.

495 days til my sanity returns, and 105 days until Christmas phone calls.....