Wow.
Probably the most boring day I have ever had. Seriously. I really need a life otherwise I could go clinically insane.
I had the weirdest dream last night. In my dream, there was some dessert party at the institute (yay! right??), and everyone was there, except John because he was OBVIOUSLY on his mission. And we were having a great time. It was kinda numbing for everything else so it was nice. So then it's like 9:30 and I'm tired and I figure it's time to go. So I drive home and when I get there, I realize I totally left my purse and keys at the institute. Lol. How I DID that, I have no idea. So then I was like, crap I have to go back. But I got to pee first, so I'll take care of that. So I go inside, take care of bid'ness, and I ask Becca to come with me. But! I then realized that John and his companion were staying at my house. They LIVED with me. And I had heard them come in while I was doing my... thing. LOL. My dad is roaming the hall and I ask, "Oh is Elder Lee home?" and he answers that he just walked in. My dad leaves and evidently the missionarios were staying in my brothers room. So I walk in and its dark and they are in bed. So I ask "Elder Lee? Are you home?" and on the top bunk there is movement and I see a shadow sit up. He then says "Yea... Leave me alone, okay?" WOW. So I leave. Really upset. I mean, not only can I not BE with him for 2 years, but he is LIVING IN MY HOUSE and I can't even see him... WOW. Then something else happened, but for the life of me I can't remember.
I always have dreams like that. And they suck. Even when he was here, it was either he died, or was a total jerk and dumped me as he left/before he left/after he got home. Yea... my brain hates me.
So why am I so sad? Why do I randomly expect my phone to blast his ringtone? Why does it bother me to drive past his house? WHYYYY. I just want it to be normal. I want to be able to sit on MY COUCH and not think about the last time he was there. I want to be able to listen to John Mayer and not think about how much John loved to play that song, or how he looked playing that song, or how his jaw would always involuntarily open during a certain chord while PLAYING that song. I almost half expect him to come home in like a week. Is it bad I secretly have this evil desire for him to COME home? I told him that if he came home early I would NOT be available to him. I kinda want to take that back. If he came home I would GLADLY be available to him. I would repsect him for it. But how selfish am I. I don't know if I can go through 2 years of this... I've already done this once before! NO girl should ever have to do this, even ONCE!! Let alone twice! What the heck was I thinking...
Gosh its not even like he DUMPED me or anything. He loves me. SO WHY IS THIS SO HARD. I miss him... crap I need to get out. No really... I took a nap today, and before I fell asleep, I was going through my camera and looking at all my pictures and videos of him and me. Man I love him. I kid you not, I dreampt (sp?) of his smile. It was the clearest thing in my head when I woke up. And I was happy for a second. Then I thought of how long I'd have to go before I could see that smile forming... Sorry I'm super depressing. LOL.
It shouldn't be like this!! There has got to be some better way!!!
This made me feel better yesterday.. Why not today?
Again, I am terribly sorry for how massively depressing this is... I need someway to say it. But I know that if I actually verbalize all this, I'll pretty much cry for 4 hours. Give or take. And I'm doing so good with my crying! No crying! Literally a tear here and there. But that's it.
Wow I need to stop... LOL. On a happy note, tomorrow is a new day?? Can't wait to go to sleep..... :/
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So, I've decided that you need to get a Disneyland pass. And every time your life seems boring or you get depressed, you, Chantal, and I will head over to the happiest place on earth and forget our sorrows in ice cream or ridiculous rides. It's seemed to help her a bit. Maybe it'll help you too. :)
ReplyDeleteWe DO have a twinner background! It's ok, I'll take it as a compliment that I have good taste =)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you wanna know why its so hard (this time around or at all)...its BECAUSE you really loved him, and BECAUSE you didn't really break up...its so much easier to get back to normal if it were someone you haven't imagined marrying (and still do). Its tremendously easier to get back to normal if that someone DUMPS you and is a major jerk. Unfortunately we don't have that to comfort us we just have ourselves, and the Lord, and our journals and blogs.
Oh, and don't freak out about feeling awful...it has been 3 months for me and time is just now starting to speed up a little bit. I still cry every once in a while too. I think this is just the way it has to be. For now the only thing to do is keep yourself distracted.
Pizza/Dessert/Chick Flick night at my house. We NEED it!
HAHA. Thanks guys.
ReplyDelete@Shauna: I would get a pass. SO would. BUT!! I currently do not have the means in order to do so. But once I start working full time that's like #2 on my save up for list. #1 is to fix my dang car lol.
@Chantal: I agree. If he HAD broken my heart, this would be easier (knocks on wood). Its always easier to get over a jerk rather than an amazing man. BUT! I, like you, have no desire whatsoever to get over him. LOL. So therefore, I am doomed to be constantly emotional for who knows how long. AND YESS!! WE NEED A CHICK NIGHT! PLEASE REALLY SOON. I'm trying to fill my evenings. Thats when it's the worst. Lol.